The View from the Department of Homeland Security Culture Desk
Thinking about Iraq
(to save you the trouble)
April 1, 2003
Saddam is a dictator, unlike the Pak-man. He’s repressing his own people, unlike Indonesia. He’s clamped down on dissent, unlike Saudi Arabia. He’s running an outlaw regime in violation of UN security council resolutions, developing weapons of mass destruction, and threatening peace and stability in the region, unlike Israel. The day of Iraq as an outlaw state is over. It’s our turn. He’s building weapons of mass destruction, so we’re going to hit him with 400 missiles a day. He may place civilians directly in the path of our peacemakers. We don’t take that lightly – you can’t put a price on life. But it’s pretty cheap.
We want to get Iraq to use their oil wealth for the benefit of their people. They can’t be spending all their money on the military – that’s our job. The suggestion has been made that if all we want is oil, we could just bomb Texas. We’re not going to bomb Texas. Texas is practically part of our own country. No, we’re going to cut our dependence on foreign oil, by pushing for more drilling and exploration right here in Mexico. Anyway, our Iraq campaign isn’t about getting oil. It’s about keeping it from others. Others are the problem. They are in the way of peace. Real peace is not just the absence of war; real peace can only be achieved when there is just us. And there are still other people out there. Sitting on our piece.
The new tape dropped by bin Laden, on CIA Records and Tapes, confirms the Evil One’s close links with Saddam. Osama declared openly that if the U.S. attempts to rescue Iraq from its dictator, Arabs should defend him, even though he’s a socialist infidel. This proves they are working together and always have been, or at least always will be. As I have imputed, Iraq has trained al-Qaeda in document forgery and bomb making – and that’s our job. Furthermore, we have found the smoking gun that shows Saddam is hiding his weapons of mass anti-Westernism: he has missiles that will go 17 miles farther than allowed. A clearer case for Shock and Awe I’ve never heard.
The North Koreaks, meanwhile, have nuclear weapons, so we’re going to disarm them, but nicely. They are threatening our friends and neighbors, the South Koreanese, who don’t understand the threat. So we will take time to explain it to them, as we have explained to Turkey and other countries the need for us to defend them against Iraq. These explanations will not come cheap, but we feel that the American people already have enough health care, and way too much education.
We have been accused of wanting to build a new American Empire. What’s wrong with that? The old one was so 20th century. Our Empire, however is not imperialist. Imperialism was Britain. This is the United States and Britain. Tony Blair is a coalition of the willing. We will build on that to include the unwitting as well. Oil, as Dr. Kissinger pointed out, is too important to be left to the Arabs. Some would say that human life is too important to be left to the Americans. People actually say this! And I actually have their emails and library records. I’ve collected them for TIA, the Total Information Awareness project, which is run by John Poindexter (who understands that the only way to know where the terrorists are is to go out and fund them). We need total information because a little knowledge is a gangrenous thing, and I’m trying to protect you. And me. From you.
So we will gather all the information and keep it safe. After all, those who do not understand their history will have the opportunity to repeat it. This is part of the Home Front of the War on Their Terrorists. It’s called Operation Undoing Freedom. Unfortunately, we had to destroy the Bill of Rights in order to save it. But these things happen in wartime. And you’ve really lost very few freedoms – just the first, fourth, fifth and sixth amendments, I think. You can count them on one hand.
We’ve also been accused of using the Iraq Rescue as a weapon of mass distraction from the flailing economy at home, the unkindest tax cuts of all, the spread of social diseases like Enronitis, and other bumps on the road to the dismantling of Bad Government and the enmantling of Good Business. It is common practice when one’s popularity is flagging to put out more flags. And when the economy tanks, you have to get with your think tanks, think about tanks, and gas up for conquest. These complainers are all out there carrying their children around on bicycles! If you leave your SUV in the garage, that means the terrorists have already won. So take it out, run over a bicycle, and pray. Because the Lord is a vengeful God; He’s high-octane. And anyway, who can really know who Jesus would bomb?
It’s important also to settle things with the alleged Palestinians in the so-called occupied territories. Israel has been working very hard to defend the West Bank against attacks by its inhabitants. Meanwhile the Palestinians, masquerading as children, have been using Iraqi-bloc rocks to destabilize the only democracy money can buy. And they’ve been doing suicide bombings, which is a war crime. Why can’t they drop their bombs from the air like civilized people? We certainly need to make the pie higher there, but you have to balance the needs of the West Bank with the needs of the World Bank. I’m sure things will work out as soon as they stop praying to the wrong God.
Contrary to my instructions, there have been demonstrations around the world in favor of Appeasement and Waiting. Many tens of people have been duped into attending these get-togethers, which consist of a bunch of people locating themselves in public, but not shopping. They need to stop speculating about civilian collateralization; now is the time to support our troops. Not later, when they invent exotic diseases and come to us whining and gold-digging. There may or may not be such a thing as Gulf War Syndrome, but there is still Vietnam Syndrome, and we are going to whip it. Whip it Good. There comes a time when you have to get behind your troops and your commander. You’re either with us, or you’re with the UN.
Some people have a military-industrial complex, but they can kiss my arsenal. There’s been a great heartening of the armories, and the size of our missiles is nothing to be ashamed of. We are a proud nation. Some say we’re arrogant, hypocritical, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and contemptuous of others. Now, who says that? Others. Of course I don’t hate others. But I find them superfluous. And inscrutable. When I scrut someone, I expect them to stay scrot. And that’s what’s going to happen to Old Europe if they don’t get new. The unilateral activities of the green and yellow-tinged Franco-German government are nearly as irrelevant as the UN. The French have a lot of Gaul, ganging up with Krauts to defend towel-heads. They’re a bunch of cheese-eating surrender-monkeys, consorting with the waffling Belgians. We’re leading the world against terrorism. They’re not following, but we’re leading. We are called upon to defend the hope of all mankind. But we’d rather bomb Iraq. The course of this nation does not depend on the decisions of others. The very existence of others is a challenge to us to make their decisions for them. It’ll be a just war, and a faith-based war. Trust me.
We’re going to work with the really important nations, like Slovenia, Slovakia and Bulgaria, and other nations ending in -ia. They will help us find Osama in Iraq. Or if not in Iraq, perhaps in Afghanistan, Sudan, Iran, Pharmaceutistan, Syria, Iria, Illyria, or some other country ending in -a, -an, or -aq. We have lots of support. Turkey supports us, except for its people. The entire nation of Berlusconi is behind us. And at home, people are buying duct tape in an excited orgy of instruction-following. They are finding out it has many uses besides stopping terrorism. You can fashion gray ribbons to wear in support of our troops. And you can use it on your neighbor’s mouths if they don’t watch what they say.
Let me close with a reiteration of the color-coded alert system we have provided to simplify your daily regimen of fear intake. The lowest level is green; it’s perfectly safe. You’re free to go shopping. Then comes blue, Guarded Condition. Go shopping, but take a guard. Then yellow, elevated alert – you’re strongly advised to go shopping online. Above this is orange, high risk. You should send a shadow shopper, provided by the Shadow Government. Finally, red alert, extreme risk. Your shopping decisions will be made for you by the Consumer Decision Division of the Department of Homeland Security, billed to your credit card, and delivered to your door when the level goes down to yellow. Remember, if we don’t shop, we drop.
So get out there and be patriotic. Christmas is always just around the corner, especially after January. And that’s why they hate us. They hate us for Christmas, and more generally, for our freedom – our freedom to shop. They hate us for our malls, and that’s why they’re going to attack them. Or so I’ve told you. So be very afraid. But shop a lot, too. And don’t worry about America. The system is resilient; the economy will bounce back. After all, companies love misery. Money may be the root of all evil, but hey, a man needs his roots. And until we can re-tool the military with hydrogen-powered Hummers that get two wars to the gallon, you’re going to have to pitch in. So think about what you can do to help. And while you’re thinking, you’ve just spent another million. Thank you.