War on Causeless and Unauthorized Terrorism

SHRUBLOG
The View from the Department of Homeland Security Culture Desk

 

 

 

 Remarks to the Joint Session of the
Coalition Against Saddam Hussein
(CASH)
and the Organization for the Underwriting of Reasonable and
Orderly Increases in Lubrication
(OUR-OIL)
on the current opportunity
to expand the War on Causeless and Unauthorized Terrorism

George Shrub

There’s no way to overstate the tragedy that occurred, and probably no way to overstate the response required. But I’ll try.

After the attack on America, President Bush was immediately in command. There has been no word on why this particular moment was chosen to transfer authority.

Some Arabs have said they hope the tragedy might cure the indifference of Americans to the suffering of two-thirds of humanity. When they call us indifferent, we don’t know what they’re talking about, and of course, we don’t care. We do know that they hate us because of our freedom. Our plunder of their resources, installation of dictators, imposition of sanctions, slaughter of children – these they are ambivalent about, but they do hate us for our freedom.

I don’t remember training Osama to do this sort of thing, in particular. I’ve checked my files, and I see that we did train him to make terror attacks, generally, but against the Soviets. And obviously, they’re somewhat hard to find these days.

satellite

Now as to the previous Afghan government, which banned all forms of entertainment (thus their name, the Tellyban): we supported them, among others, in the war against the Soviets, but they are now our enemies. This week. True, they did stop growing opium, for which we rewarded them with $43 million in May. And they do keep their women in line, which saves us the trouble.

When we were debating whether to bomb them, some radical arch-pacifist members of the war team pointed out that the Afghans already suffered from poverty as well as from a four-year drought – which is the result of praying to the wrong God, of course. But we decided that, since their life expectancy is about 40 and they were liable to die before we got there, we had better hurry.

Basically, people in these colonies – that is, countries – have misunderstood Pax Americana. They thought it meant Pox on America. Which they’re trying to do, with their unauthorized biological weapons and toxic sloganeering. In any case, we’re through playing around. After Afghanistan, we’re going to profile Iran, Sudan, Syria, Libya, Iraq, and any other countries ending in an, a or aq. Why? Because those are the countries that started all this by taking our oil. I don’t know how our oil got under those countries, but we’ve got to get them off the top of it. And we’ll do that, as soon as we figure out how our freedom fighters turned intotheir terrorists. Meanwhile, we must close ranks. This is not the time to criticize the US government; there’s no time for that now – or, come to think of it, ever.

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