ELECTIONS, IF WE MUST: THE MCCAIN-OBAMA BILLION-DOLLAR FREE ELECTION CAMPAIGN

Obama, the chosen candidate of Hamas and the Weathermen, is against the creative in-terror-gation of terrorists. He wants dialogue, wants to appease. No wonder those in the appease movement like him. They wouldn’t if he weren’t black, which is racist. 

To his credit Big O wants to send more troops to Afghanistan, to finish the job the Soviets started. Many nations have sent armies to Afghanistan and all have succeeded in failing. Obama, however, brings hope. So we'll see. “Al Qaeda is in 80 countries, so you can’t defeat them in Iraq,” says O. True that: You have to fight them all over Afghanistan.

Now if Obama and mama had a loose daughter…but he does have good family values for a man of his…neighborhood, which is to say, Bill Ayers neighborhood. And Farrakhan’s. Just so you know. 

Obama has a lot in his plus column: he’s pro-nuke, pro-death penalty, wants to enlarge the army, and can’t do health care because we’re broke. On the negative side, he thinks we should be part of the world. I’m not saying he’s a gay crackhead murderer and probable Islamic Socialist, but George Soros did engineer the economic meltdown to get him into the half-White House.

John McCain admittedly can’t count his houses, but at least he’s not an elitist. Obama, on the other hand, may not be not be the anti-Christ (that was Saddam), but it’s clear he used the money Bill Ayers made in bombing America to buy lipstick for pigs so kindergarteners could have sex with them. As for Joe the Bro: true, he made a traffic call on the emergency line, but that jam could been Communists – he was after all in the Communist part of Virginia – those could have been illegal Communist immigrant Acorn registrants going to early voting. Of course the tax & spenders at 911 couldn’t be bothered. I mean, capitalism may have been destroyed by banks, but democracy is being destroyed by community organizers right in front of us – that’s not a 911?

Which brings us to the real deal: Governor Palin. She is what W only thinks he is. Daughtergate is not a scandal: it’s GOP family values, starting new families as soon as possible. Democrats didn’t want Bristol to get pregnant – they hate the family and therefore America. Or at least Alaska. No, she’s a real patriot. All true patriots support their states’ secessionist movements.

Sarah is not the simple-minded extremist you’ve been brainwashed about. She believes in birth control for polar bears, and supports abstinence for other species.

She’s been on front lines with Russia, and with our largest oil supplier, Canada, which practically surrounds the beleaguered hamlet of Wasilla. No one knows how Canada got all over the map up there, but we suspect Venezuelan support.

She puts country first. Then Oil. Then bears. Or oil, Alaska, country, and bears. But her main expertise is in the environment. She understands that climate change is natural. The ice cap is melting to encourage Jews to move to Israel to convert to Christ so we can get to the end of the story.

O has the Weatherman lobby, but we have the best 60s Negro rioting chants. Republicans have not shame about adopting slogans when they’re finally relevant. In fact we have none, in general.

And now there’s all the usual flak about voter suppression. Well some people need suppressants. There’s been wild fraud – people trying to vote from houses they don’t live in, since they were foreclosed. In Michigan, 60% of those foreclosed are black they’re now in the red. They should be happy they’ve finally transcended their color. But we want keep people in their homes, except of course to shop.  True enough, people have been purged from the voter rolls because of clerical errors, when they accidentally inserted their middle initial, that initial folks is the initial move in the destruction of the fabric of democracy. It’s Joe the Plumber, not Joe T. Plumber; it’s not Mickey T. Mouse. Maybe that’s how they do it in unAmerica, I don’t know.

So OK, they told college kids they couldn't vote at college if their parents claimed them on their taxes, they can't be on their parents' health and car insurance, and they’ll lose their scholarship. And some folks received absentee ballot applications with the wrong address for the county clerk. And sure, if your house was foreclosed, you can’t live there, or vote there, or at all. Don't you think that's an improvement over telling people they'll be arrested for going to the wrong polling station, phoning people with directions to the wrong polling station, sending people phony sample Democratic ballots with Republicans checked - I mean, that was all two years ago, you don't think we'd use the same material again?! Do you think we'd run out of ballots again or have four-hour lines in poor neighborhoods? I mean, again, so soon? Just because we misplaced our scruples, we’ve got no creativity?

In the end, for Real Americans, there’s only one issue: drilling. Drilling will lower gas prices just like killing Saddam brought democracy. For every complex problem in the world, there's a simple answer, and it's always right. Drill baby drill. See you at the bottom.