The Singing CIA Agent's Secret Page

He presents the Right point of view, he's the world's only KNOWN singing C.I.A. agent. He's the official toastmaster and anti-folksinger of the Committee to Intervene Anywhere: he's Mr. George Shrub.

Herein, for your eyes only, some de-classified remarks from the Man himself.

The View from the Department of Homeland Security
Culture Desk


The Middle East is a mysterious region. It’s not inscrutable – that’s further east. But it is mysterious. So people ask me questions, for example, “How could there be Palestinians? There’s no Palestine!” I decided to look into this. It turns out the Palestinians left some time ago – voluntarily of course – and took Palestine with them. This was back when you were allowed four carry-ons. Now it seems they want to come back – this is called the Right of Return. It might surprise you to learn that I support this. There’s a precedent: The Israelites left some time ago, came back 2,000 years later, and everything’s been fine. So it’s a good timetable, and it’s available. And while they’re waiting their turn, the Palestinians could prepare. For example, they could work on civilizing themselves. Anyone can tell you they’re not civilized. Just one obvious example: suicide bombings. Why can’t they drop their bombs from airplanes, like civilized people?

We have learned a lot from Gaza, now that we have been able to get a look at it. We have to first of all acknowledge the suffering of Palestinians. They face suffocating poverty, and no one knows why. The recent study undertaken by Israel has been inconclusive, despite the use of many hi-tech study jets and learning tanks. Nevertheless, it is clear we must deplore the extremism of Hamas, which forces Israel to kill civilians. Hamas must renounce its violence, which has caused responses from Israel. Hamas claims to be still responding to something that happened in 1948. Granted, it happened from 1948 to 2010, but it is time to stop living in the past-induced future.

Of course, at the root of it all is the Hamas occupation of Israel. That is to say, Hamas does not recognize Israel’s right to exist (we will save “as a Jewish state” in case they later do recognize the Right. Moveable goal posts are such an important part of any diplomatic tool box.) Now some would say that Israel does not recognize a Palestinian state’s right to exist. These people are in custody.

Some people will tell you the problem is actually the other occupation – the one by Israel; but that’s so over, except for land, sea, and air. And the West Bank, which has nothing to do with Gaza.

Israel used precision-targeted weaponry, which enabled them hit civilians, their own soldiers and the UN. They certainly used disproportionate force, resulting in the suffering of alleged children and other possible non-combatants.  On the other hand, Tzipi and Condi met and they had cute names.

The Red Cross said it became a full-blown humanitarian crisis. Israel said there was no shortage of human needs. Well, as I have always said: you’re either with Israel or you’re with the Red Cross. But just to be sure, I’m watching these developments 24/7. Or anyway, I’m watching 24.

One can see that the Middle East is not simple, and the solutions are not winner take all. You have to achieve balance, which is difficult. You have to balance the needs of the West Bank with the needs of the World Bank. And since the countries are so close together, with Israel being right next to Palestine, or over it, or around, or all of the above and more, they must learn to get along. Perhaps Palestinians can learn to appreciate Israeli foods, like hummus, as Israelis have learned to appreciate Palestinian customs, like having land. Otherwise, the Israelis will be forced to continue their occupation, which is bound to succeed in providing democracy and happiness in the end, as we have seen in Iraq and are about to see in Afghanistan. So I say to Tzipi and Bibi and all the other cute-named leaders: Mazel Tov, in advance.

ELECTIONS: YES THEY DID...a historic failure of voter suppression.

Obama, the chosen candidate of Hamas and the Weathermen, has taken the White House that slaves built. Talk about not knowing one’s place!

This could bring a host of problems to our nation. First, it threatens to bring back the Vision Thing, never a long suit among the Bushes. The President-elect thinks we should be part of the world. I’m not saying he’s a gay crackhead murderer and probable Islamic Socialist, but George Soros did engineer the economic meltdown to get him into the half-White House. If he decides to ally with Nouveau Communist leaders like Alan Greenspan, we could see a backlash, according to US law.

Obama has a lot in his plus column, though: he’s pro-nuke, pro-death penalty, wants to enlarge the army, and can’t do health care because we’re broke. To his credit, he wants to send more troops to Afghanistan, to finish the job the Soviets started. Many nations have sent armies to Afghanistan and all have succeeded in failing. Obama, however, brings hope. So we'll see. “Al Qaeda is in 80 countries, so you can’t defeat them in Iraq,” says O. True that: You have to fight them all over Afghanistan.

On the personal side, having two little black girls in the White House proves to millions of their young brethren and sistren that they have achieved complete racial equality, if not a bit more. So rock on, America, we’re the best, if not only, nation. We can expect to endure a period of kinder, gentler wars, nukes, and climate change before getting back on track as the world’s benevolent dominatrix.

Meanwhile, the only question – besides where to drill – is whether the Obama administration will constitute a third Clinton term, with lots of saxophones and welfare reform, or will spiral downward into some kind of perverse experiment in diminished corporate power and increased single-payer-ness. Stay tuned to this site, where we don’t so much give you information as get you in formation.


I know it's been hard on you all during the Enemies Gap, what with me not knowing who to tell you to hate. Normally, I can get you used to hating the new Enemy Designate in about six months - eight or ten if you don't have TV. But times are hard, and we've been forced to recycle some old enemies - Saddam, for example.

Meanwhile, we've still got the old domestic standby, Political Correctness. I don't know if you ever noticed that PC is just CP spelled backwards. We've been learning about recycling, you see. We're not wasting any taxpayer letters here.

PC starts in the university, which they try to turn into a DI-versity. They try to make you conform, which is fine, but they want you to conform to nonconformism, which doesn't make any sense to me.

Then it trickles down into the lower grades. I know about this, because I do a little pro bono work at my presentations. I have them bring the children backstage and I share my point of view with them, so they won't need their own. Well, one evening last week I was talking to this little girl - no, can't say that - differently heighted pre-woman, about these problems, and in came this representative from the deconstructionist mafia, made me an offer I couldn't understand, so we fled out the back way, tripped over this homeless - sorry, residentially challenged fellow and - you see? It's getting so you can't say anything anymore without being challenged, which is all right for you, but I've got a job to do!

Philip Agee in My Hindsights
January 16, 2008

One reason I'm known as the World's Only Known Singing CIA Agent is that agents are, in general, not permitted to sing. This brings us to the case of the infamous Philip Agee, who made his name singing the names of his erstwhile colleagues in the agency charged with keeping our world our world.

Much digital ink has and will be spilt over the passing of this Agency Apostate. I choose the label carefully to focus on the real problem in this talented man's life: his failure of religious nerve. For the task of an intelligence functionary, hindsight makes clear, is a faith-based one. We cannot know for certain that the overthrow of democratic governments throughout our world is guaranteed to produce long-term stability for Entrepreneurs of Size. We do know, however, that if we don't do it, someone else will. And the prospect of a world dominated by vengeful peasant neighborhood associations is enough to drive any God-fearing congressman to fund pre-emptive, defensive torture (I prefer "alternative procedures"  or "strong interrogation.) "

Agee entered the secret side of public service in that vibrant interregnum between America's ascendancy as a non-empire (I prefer Global Dominatrix ) and the complete privatization of the defense of our borders (especially our borders in the southern hemisphere, Middle East, and anything named Stan). (In this connection, those who feel queasy about the innovative role of Blackwater should recall the truly horrifying scandal of the previous era, Whitewater. Feel better?)

In our early ascendancy we were able to help so many people, so that they would not help themselves. That is, to their resources. People are far too resourceful for their own good.

Our helping began in Greece, which we cleansed of Communists. Unfortunately, our Helpfulness budget had run out by the time their colonels became differently helpful.

We helped Iran, finding them their very own Shah, who had been missing. This was the first time we were really in a position to help a nation in the Middle East - or anyway, British Petroleum.

We helped France, at least in Vietnam. We helped Vietnam, at least the South, which is to say, Marshall Ky.

We helped Guatemala, or, one might say more precisely, United Fruit.

The list goes on, but the point is clear: Agee was fortunate to have a place at the center of the helping professions. So why did he lose faith? Many things can contribute to a fall from grace. Some feel that thinking causes a surplus of information; others think that feeling is the cause of excess compassion. Either way, wavering of faith in the gospel of trickle down, vague feelings of unease with the triumph of middle class consumerism as the inevitable product of the ascent of generalized greed - these are ditherings hard to fathom in a scion of privilege.

Some have said that Phil must have been working for the KGB. If his desertion of duty had come later, he would have been clearly in the thrall of al Qaeda. But Phil preferred to look for flaws in his own house, describing the activities of the CIA and the governments it supported as the worst imaginable horrors.  He was called by some a traitor; I think he was something more serious: a whistle blower. Nobody likes a tattle tale. He shall be long remembered as a tall tattle tale teller, endangering the pre-emptive horrors we have been forced, with a heavy heart, to perpetrate in defense of Western Values.

If the general public has grown suspicious, even weary, of our pre-emptivity in defense of that most fundamental human right, the right to profit from resources we find on or under other people's lands, then they have Phil Agee to blame for their weary suspicion. May the next person to name names be indicted and imprisoned for life. (Offer not valid for Vice Presidents or their aides.) Philip Agee, rest in peace. You taught the American people a bit of their history. Which is a shame, because those who do not know their history will have the opportunity to repeat it.

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Remarks on Our Gulf

First of all, Saddam Hussein has a million-man army. Technically, it's only 500,000, counting the 11-year-olds, but you know, the Sandinites had a million-man army too for a couple of weeks, until I remembered there were only 3 million people in the country. But anyway, I enjoy filling you in on these things because you tend to believe them. Some of them. Some of you.

Now Iraq has long since positioned itself on top of the Ramalia oil fields - that is to say, they are in Iraq. Except for two little fingers of it that stick out into Kuwait, just across the line that is there, that is, the line in the sand. Now a certain corporation has been taking some oil out of those two fingers, a corporation known in business circles as Kuwait. And Saddam doesn't understand that this is how pirate enterprise works.

Why was it so important to put the Sabah family back into the palace in Kuwait City? It was a question of jobs. And dollars. The Emir and his relations do have just a few hundred billion dollars in our Western banks, and they've been sort of keeping us afloat in that sense, and I think we were obliged to return the favor.

Now the new Hitler was on his way to take Saudi Arabia. He didn't know that at the time, but I did. Following which, you did. Later it turned out he wasn't, but it was a bit too much later.

Above and beyond all these other reasons for us to be there, the most important is to destroy Iraq's military-industrial complex, because we are opposed to military-industrial complex proliferation. There is a document called "Iraqi Power and U.S. Security in the Middle East" which says basically that Iraq has become, through its very notable ability to learn from experience, the foremost mechanized warfare machine in the world today. Now that disturbs the balance of power, especially ours. We need to take them down a peg so somebody else can get a chance to be the best, so we can take them down a peg.

Read an interview with Shrub,
recorded in his clandestine hideout!