The View from the Department of
Homeland Security Culture Desk
Nigergate Explained Away
July 18, 2003
Mr. Tony Blair has visited the United States and told Congress that history will say we did the right thing in Iraq whether we were right or wrong. He did not say that history is written by the winners, because he is a stickler for detail and that is very hard to prove in this case. In return for his support in the face of world-wide slight doubt over the yellow cake affair, Mr. Blair will be given two British citizens who have been held in Communicado, a prison camp in the U.S. sector of Cuba. President Bush declared that the two were “bad people,” but under British law apparently they will have a trial first. Mr. Blair was to have been given a Congressional Medal of Honor, but in light of questions over whether soldiers were sent to their deaths under false pretenses, it turned out the medal had not yet been cast.
Some folks who listen to the BBC pronounced it Nie-zhare, but that’s because the British are French. Which is why they fed us that dumb intelligence that CIA Director Tenet fell for after we instructed him to. The facts weren’t wrong; they were just British. Or French. Which is why we took it out of one of the President’s speeches. But then we had to put it somewhere, so we put it in the State of the Union. It didn’t seem like it would bother anybody over there. You don’t go looking for accuracy there – it’s more of a general “feeling of the state of things” thing. Anyway, the information was technically correct: the British did inform us of this. I know no one’s accusing us of misquoting the British, but sometimes I think it’s fun to change the subject when a debate gets too heavy. It lightens the mood. Anyway, it wasn’t disinformation. First of all, “disinfogate” doesn’t scan. Second, if you diss our info, you’re probably reading the wrong books.
People say it was uncorroborated, fabricated information. Now why would we want to corroborate fabricated information? That would deceptionistic. We didn’t want to do that. Dick sent Joseph Wilson over to Africa, which is where Niger is kept, to investigate the story, back in February of ’02. He failed to verify that it could be verified. But the British were moving ahead on it; Tony Blair had several projects that were in support of our values and our efforts to build a coalition of the willing to be bought, and he had intelligence projects, and he had to maintain his alliance with the indispensable nation, which is us, while continuing with his Europe project, and no one’s sure now Which Blair Project will win out. Because Europe wants to challenge us, and spend their euros on oil from Iraq, which of course they can’t do because the Iraqis now have freedom, which is to say, the dollar.
Anyway, it was only one bit of intelligence among many, most of which, I grant you, had already been disproved by the UN arms inspectors. This, incidentally, is why they left. As you will recall (but not the President), the inspectors left voluntarily, after Saddam refused to let them in. Which is why we went to war there. And also to spread our British and American values, which are really universal values, and should be everywhere, but aren’t. Yet. So it was those values, not the value of oil, that justified our rescue of the world from this dictator. The days of Iraq acting as a rogue state are over; it’s our turn now.
The Nigerian uranium purchase info was the only bit we had that hadn’t been challenged by anyone, except of course the CIA. So the President used it. As Ronald Reagan’s press secretary once explained, “He may have got the facts a little wrong, but he told it rather well.” So maybe it wasn’t Nigeranium. Maybe it was from Sudan. More likely Pharmaceutistan. But when you add it to the aluminum tubes, which were specially designed for some very special purpose that we have an instinct was totally tubular, if not nuclear, you get quite an instinctive case that Saddam was probably up to something. Unlike North Korea. So we had to go get him, because the inspectors were French. Or at least Swedish.
By the way, we have also heard on the internet that Saddam bought those tubes as a gift for Osama, to use for transporting chemical weapons to America. Luckily, the President made that difficult, dangerous, manly landing on the aircraft carrier, which made terrorists everywhere quake in their sandals. By which I don’t mean to say that all terrorists wear sandals. It’s a figure of speech. I’m just saying that all terrorists are Muslims, that’s all.
Now about all the other WMDs: They are almost certainly being hidden in the Gulf of Tonkin. We didn’t tell the inspectors that; it would only confuse them. Or cause them to confuse Iraq with Vietnam. In any case, the Pentagon knows more about WMDs than the UN. And so does W. Who do you think put the W in WMD?
It’s well known that Saddam was developing WMDs as far back as 1991, and as late as 1993. If we had let them continue, or resume, or consume, or retinue, it would have been a greater danger than Grenada. Don’t forget, the Cubans were building an airport in Grenada. And we all know what Cubans use airports for: to invade Africa. And nobody loves Africa more than President Bush. So we had to go into Grenada, and Iraq. Because Saddam amassed these weapons, and massacred his own people. And he had the audacity to do this during the administration of Ronald Reagan and George Bush. He took advantage of the fact that they were looking the other way because they were very busy aiding him to do that, which they had to do because at that time there was a singular situation, which was that Iran was bad. So we had to help Iraq. Today, Iran is bad again, which is why we are helping Iraq again. As we will help to regime-change any human rights violators who we find out about. We have not found out about the Uzbek or Columbian governments yet, but they better watch it. Sometimes friends have a way of turning into opportunities.
And now, a free Iraq will influence other states in the region who may be thinking about backing terrorism, as Iraq may have been, to not. Or they can just set a good example as to what happens when you maybe do think about that. Or when we say you maybe did. And they have a brand new democratically-appointed governing council, supervised by the democratic coalition occupation, led by 147,000 democratically-volunteered soldiers equipped with universal values. Some Iraqis have said the council isn’t democratic. But they will learn quickly that it is, and then it will be. And the silent majority of Iraqis support our support of them. And it’s not just us in there; actually there are troops there from 19 countries, and we are going to get more – all the Maldives, or at least a majority of them.
So the weapons haven’t been found. But we weren’t deceptionizing, and certainly not exaggerating. It’s a matter of emphasis. We had good evidence, which we got from Ahmed Chalabi’s group, which we fund. So the info should be right – we paid for it fair and square. And we will find the weapons. Perhaps it will be during the war in Illyria, so we won’t bother you with the information at that time. No once cares anyway. Regardless, 28% of Americans believe that Iran has WMDs, and 36% believe that Syria has them. Taken together, that means that 64% believe somebody’s got them, so we’re going to invade both of them. One at a time, of course.
We would never have had to resort to weapons of mass distraction if Saddam hadn’t hidden his weapons of mass destruction. As a result of the confusion over why exactly we saved the world in Iraq, the American people are now confused about whether they should be agreeing with us. So we need to take a few more polls to tell you what you think.
Meanwhile our homeland security has been threatened by people trying to take away the free speech right of Fox to own 45% of the air waves. Most people don’t know how bad this is. The Congress is trying to undercut the FCC, who are tasked to manage the public’s air waves, which is to say, to protect Clear Channel’s efficient use of them. The economy of scale is a wonderful thing, especially when combined with the theology of sale.
Dr. David Kelly, suspected of being the BBC source for stories that the British government “sexed up” its dossier on Iraq to say that Saddam could fire some weapons within 45 minutes, has been found dead near his home. Any suspects that may be apprehended are expected to be kept under close guard, transferred to prison through basements that are restricted to police and their close associates in the nightclub business.
Wal-Mart has banned discrimination against gays and lesbians, except for married ones. The store does not offer domestic partner benefits; all their benefits go not to partners but to associates. According to a spokesman, they have to make up their minds which they want to be.
THE ECONOMY – CAN WE BUDGET?
Rising unemployment figures are said by experts to be a good sign. They indicate that many people who have taken themselves off the labor market have put themselves back on – probably because they tired of the life style.