The Virtues of Sweatshops


GSolyThe Virtues of Sweatshops
Address to the International Mercenary Fund Annual Dividends Dinner
George Shrub Cultural Director, Department of Homeland Security

Greetings to all. It’s great to be here, and everywhere.Young men ask me, what is Victoria’s Secret? I’ll tell you. She doesn’t make her own stuff.




Welfare recipients calling for information now reach operators in India.  Indian call center workers are highly qualified; they are very good at explaining to the recipients that they need to go out and source themselves some jobs.
American union torture workers may grouse, but the offshoring of extreme interrogation jobs is part of the general drift of Free Trade. Part of the problem is unions —we can’t have our National Security jeopardized by the demands of the Torturer’s Union, coupled with threats of slowdown on the job, work to rule, even strikes.

Of course, in many countries workers have the right to organize. That’s why in the United States we have abolished workers, and replaced them with associates.

In general it makes sense to move jobs to places where you don’t have to deal with a lot of intermediaries —third parties trying to get in between the associates and the associators. In these Perspiration Centers, it’s just the company, the subcontractor and the teenage girl. And the people that bring the barbed wire. And the army. There’s no interference from people agitating for complex labor formulas like minimum wages and twelve-hour days and bathroom breaks.


shrub2_flNaturally the students are against all our innovative job programs. They’re students. They don’t like jobs. Thus they’ve been trying to shut down the anti-poverty projects like the WTO and the IMF.  My advice is to do what you’re good at. Maybe it’s studying, maybe it’s partying. And let imperialism do what it does best —redistribute wealth, and prevent class war. On us.

When you decide that these job conditions aren’t good enough for our overseas subjects, objects, pronouns, whatever, when you decide that for them, that’s cultural imperialism. That’s wrong. If they want to work in sweatshops, eat at McDonald’s, and so on, that’s their business.

If they want to wear Nike, that’s their free choice as near-Americans. Well, they can’t afford that. Or McDonalds. But you get my drift: it would be their free choice. If they were free. That is, paid.

Face it: without us, there wouldn’t be any jobs. There’d just be the old system of poverty that some people enjoy saying resulted from the old imperialism. Well, that’s why we’re trying to fix it with the new imperialism.  New, improved sweatshops. British imperialism might have been bad for some people, but I’m here to tell you it was sure better than what went before. It’s not true, but I am here to tell you that.


Shrub3For example, take the Philippines. which we did. There’s this export zone there called Kavite, and can you believe it, the associates there tried to bring in unions. Tried to oppress the workers into thinking they were oppressed. Cultural imperialists, the unions are. But on the contrary, the sweatshops represent great progress. For example, in the Philippines there are unions all over the country, except in the export zones. So we’ve established a beachhead of openness, with nice big open shops. People criticize these zones because they’re surrounded by guards and walls and barbed wire. You know, we wouldn’t have to do that if it wasn’t for the terrorists trying to get in. Or anyway, unions.

In fact, it’s a system that works so well that some factories in the old school Philippines have packed up and moved into the zones, for security from these terrorists. The zones are like industrial parks with walls around them. They offer generous benefits, like tax holidays —companies pay no taxes for five years. It’s true that the people in the area can’t fund their schools or hospitals, but you really don’t need an education to work in these places, and you’re not going to live that long anyway. So what’s to whine?

We also get the communities competing, offering competitive wage structures to attract the zones. In fact we’ve sponsored a number of competitive athletic events, like the Race to the Bottom.  It’s a kind of a bidding war, which is a lot better than a shooting war. In a bidding war, people die, but nobody notices. Here.


You have to look at history: we used to have sweatshops here in the US. Now we have not so many. Or anyway, different ones. That’ll happen there too.

The beauty of Market Fundamentalism is that it allows for a temporary adjustment period, during which workers have less, well, work. Then they get more work. But at less, well, wages. What do they want, work and wages both? We can see that greed is a problem.  We’ll take that up at our next Annual Dividend Dinner. Tomorrow night.