SHOOTING FROM THE LIPP: VIDEO COMMENTARIES ON THE NEW REGIME
A series of serio-comic commentaries on the disasters of the day. Maybe there will be non-disasters too, some time or other.
#69 The USA is in a non-war to free Iranian women, like we done here for our Handmaids and of course for the schoolgirls over there, RIP. Let’s review the history of such domination porn through the centuries. People Who Love Deportation don’t love the deportation centers being in their neighborhood. No dog in that race. Meanwhile the Trumpagogue wants his name on every airport, theater, and pair of shoe coverings at airport security. Makes sense. You gotta have a legacy.
#68 Here come the judges: Supremes slap down tariffs, yay. Emperor Donald calls treason, nay. Judges don’t like his deportations either, nor his censorship at National Parks, neither. Eppie-boy (rest in pieces) files are causing stumble and tumble in elite circles, and King Don has fired his base – or anyway, laid them off. In Kentucky. Don’t gloat: you’re next.
#67 The Save America Act will destroy democracy in order to save it. Tradition!
Another redux: ICE is the New Klux Klan. Meanwhile, Vietnam joins the Board of Taking a Piece, while the New York Times declares it will uncover wrongdoing without pointing out that it was wrong. Prexy cancels saving the earth, again, since it conflicts with beautiful clean his friends (with benefits, clearly). Israel moves to annex its illegal colonies, while Mamdani moves to convert a business-boosting committee tyo a justice-boosting one. No baby steps here.
#66 While universities outlaw education and Israel outlaws indigenous people, ICE outlaws America, and also América. We lighten it up with a Q-Anon limerick and a review of new pro-formaldehyde policies. A seaweed blob is threatening Florida, and the FDA is threatening us with asbestos. Bonus: a Trump voter calls in to apologize. Finally: plans to take Europe.
#65 Support for Operation Destroy America is fracturing among Republicans and ICE operatives. The ICE-capades have unified masses of locally organized neighbor defenders in oppo; judges continue to thwart efforts at the ethnic cleansing of the nation. Still, the coup-meisters may succeed in destroying the UN, if not the US.
#64 ICE and CPB strike again, and again, while Trump-Rex substitutes himself for the UN. Pinochet returns from the dead in Chile and Bibi promises to destroy more of the West Bank to catch up to Gaza. Trump finds time to attack his base in Colorado, while transforming foreign aid from transcontinental to transactional, sacrificing humans in favor of minerals. No news here eh!
#63 What with Trump-troopers gassing babies in self-defense, Gavin Newsom teaming up with Peter Thiel to protect billionaires from society, and data centers under attack from thirsty malcontents saying water is wasted on data, it’s no surprise that Boss Tweet wants to deport citizens. Aliens. Illegals. Except maybe Melania.
#62 Renee Good, ICE bad: state terrorism by masked lowlifes retains official support as the Monroe Doctrine surges back to shore up a fading but still treacherous empire. That would be us. Economists fail to explain class war and Israel fails to explain why doctors must leave Gaza. Meanwhile the cows vs. planet battle “heats up,” and colleges are banning woke Plato.
#61 Wiles Files in Vanity Fair, ISIS fanboys in Sydney, DJT robs Rob of his dignity, the need to build Alligator Gaza, FBI doesn’t know where Antifa’s HQ is, so they steal Venezuela’s tanker and ban Biden fonts. Oh yeah, and the EPA says climate change, a hoax, is made by God. Jeffrey Epstein said Trump was insane, and flood victims can’t get FEMA aid because the other parts of their state voted blue. Go figger.
#60 Trump has personally ended between 29 and 51 wars, aspirationally, while the DOT is slashing fuel efficiency and Pam Bondage is slashing dissent. Trump’s birthday is now a national holiday, and the mad sub-genius has declared Europe post-Europe. The only democracy in the Middle East is beating its dissidents to death in prison, while Russia destroys democracy in its own clever way and China destroys it in New York. The U of Alabama is restoring its culture to the pre-Biden, pre-civil war standards. Finally, a question: should disrupters of ICE thuggery be jailed, or receive a Nobel humanity prize?
#59 Venezuelan scam caper fake crisis blown apart by pardon of a real drug runner; no one notices. Afghan CIA soldier gets a conscience and some PTSD; government blames Afghan culture. In revenge against Afghans, Somalis will be deported. And Hegseth, or somebody, says kill everybody, and everybody panics over a little bitty war crime. C’mon Dems, play dirty with these dirtbags.
#58 Concentration camps are proposed in Gaza while Palestinian land is sold to settlers in Brooklyn. Down in old Brazil, the COPOUT 30 decides to abandon the planet, while back at home teachers are being taught not to teach, at least about anything controversial, like slavery or genocide. And indigenous women in Guatemala get “justice” 40 years after being raped by US-backed fascism.
#57 Bone Saw meets Bone Spurs in the Gold Palace while oil lobbyists meet in Brazil, representing the US without US presence. Jeffrey Epstein turns out to have been an Israeli asset, while people without assets are also without habeas corpus. While President I Alone Can Destroy It rampages from Venezuela to Nigeria, chat bots are becoming as duplicitous as, well, their makers. The future is now. Sorry, Gen Alpha.
#56 42 million food hostages of the Washington Pirates may be partially released, Gaza-style. China and Nicaragua cement repression, while back home Democrats debate whether to save democracy and President I Am Rich saves the rich some more, making them rich some more.
#55 A blue wave sweeps the nation and a young socialist sweeps Cuomo, Bloomberg, and Trump, who’s busy starving children and ignoring Israeli non-cease-firing. He’s also busy solving Sudan by threatening Nigeria and solving Ecuadorian drug smuggling by threatening Venezuela. Meanwhile coral reefs are dying because people are too busy in their cults to notice. Cult: a scientific term meaning MAGA.
#54 NO SNAP, goes the Weasel, and poof, starving Americans. Israel has re-classified the UN as a subsidiary of Hamas. AI steals our water, but they’re making the world better. For somebody. Zohran faces the monied, who crusade to stop his attempt to make a city affordable. And, it turns out it is a police state. Or at least city.
#53 A special episode: Oath Keepers and Proud Boys are too busy governing to riot. America First Last and Only will join in creating a new Civics curriculum that will keep students asleep, not woke. And we are approaching the tipping point: there will be more bibles in schools than students in homes.
#52 Hate America’s 7 million paid protesters failed to distance themselves from Hamas terrorist Bad Bunny who’s threatening to make the NFL play without their hands, while Israel redefines ceasefire to include preemptive self-defensative child murder. But not to worry, redistricting will prevent off-color anchor voters from taking over the red white and blue from whites. Of course the Young Repugs chatgate was concocted by the Democrat Party of antifa to sully the good name of DJT. But at least we finally discovered what causes autism: contraception.
#51 Trump decides who can immigrate and Hegs decides what the press can’t print. Trump declares war on the wrong boats and works with Iran to deport their dissidents back to torture centers. In Portland, righties try to get lefties to burn flags, while the governor schools Trump on reality, non-TV version. As bad as TV can be, RV’s can be worse, using rain forest lumber for their interiors. And a new mining road will destroy Alaska, but that’s the immigrants’ fault. Or antifa. Hard to say.
#50 Dubious deal from double-dealing Isramerica brings joy to Gaza. For the moment. Sort of. The US invasion of the US is hung up in the courts, but President Orwell insists he’ll defend America from the granola insurrection. Hegboy goes after the Sikhs, oil execs defend the wind, and repression rages from Nicaragua to China and beyond. Imagine that. Also, imagine this: nothing herein should be construed as an endorsement of reactionary Venezuelan Nobel Prize winner Maria Corina Machado.
#49 I used to want to shut down the government. I would’ve shut down the right parts. And I would have indicted Comey for different things. In my day we sent peace troops into Washington, not war troops into Portland. The uprisings across Asia are logical and laudable, while the bailout of pro-poverty authoritarians is not. It is also not surprising, considering that America First is code for Authoritarians First.
#48 Pentagon tells press what to tell, Tom Homan persecuted for accepting paper bag. Some question whether to abolish the Senate or the US people. Palestine is recognized, if not existent. Trump moves on the national parks for their lack of nationalism. Slavery: racist or not? Jury still out.
#47 The Dismantle the Left project may be overlooking Charlie Kirk’s accused assassin’s far right connections. Ill Douche belittles domestic violence, while a Fox host guarding the chickens says kill the chickens. Students are doing their Trump Youth thing, doxxing professors for doing science, while Trump Olds want to sell more gas to Europe to build more AI and dominate the world some more. Also, New Yorkers support Palestine.
#46 Prezboy basks in the doubtful success of Chipocalypse, ready to follow up with Birth of a Fascist Nation. Italy solves planet overheating by banning bicycles. The expanded confederacy occupies Black cities. 900 Brits are arrested for writing—on paper , no less, or more. The federal grovelment bans tutoring for Black boys, and government unions in honor of National Screw the Workers Year. And Trump mobilizes entire regime to fight public enemy #1: wind.
#45 Prezboy wants credit for ending 6+ wars; we examine. He also has declared nine emergencies, none of which can be found to exist. Also, Black women are the most fired in the government purges, and Israelis are the most uncomfortable tourists in Europe. Plus: deportation for traffic stops, robots denying health care, and the gerrymandermath doesn’t add up.
#44 White South Africans are welcome here, but not maimed kids from Gaza. Not any Palestinians, actually. They must go to South Sudan. World tyrants agree: people are trash unless they bow to me. Israeli Jews struggle to comprehend the roots of the crisis, or sometimes just fail to, without the struggle. Sometimes the sunshine peeks through.
#43 Smithsonian v. Dick Tater: Pharaoh Don stands up for Americans against Trans Forming Liberty and gently encourages the museums to examine the good parts of slavery too. Pundits ponder: is it a white-out or a blacklist?
#42 The Mamdani Files: Is Zohran successful in spite of or because of his rejection of the standard exception from human rights for Israel? Should he have endorsed Columbus instead of being openly anti-Italian? And is there a nationwide trend of city folk supporting brazenly pro-social, anti-fascist, non-corporate agendas?
#41 As the War on Washington faces oppo, the war on culture ramps up at the Kennedy Center. Good news: pro-Trump influencers are walking it back, Big Ag is under attack for fattening us, and solar can boost electricity in Africa. However, tariffs continue to tax the poor, and government unions are being ordered not to be.
#40 President Project 25 invades Washington as practice for New York, Texas GOP redefines race, GOP Congress members give up meeting their constituents, and Britain decides free speech is for those who protest ineffectively. Also, Israel makes sure no one finds out what they’re about to do by destroying cameras. And their operators.
#39 CPB shut down for varied viewpoints, DOD retreats from hurricane secrecy, and Besssent and MTG do QPOL (quiet part out loud). Merger of merch, church, and state proceeds apace, while Texas quickens democracide. In Gaza, doctors are fainting on the job, while Congress ignores the public conscience, preferring genocide. Congress: so named because it’s the opposite of progress.
#38 Trump sues a judge for telling to Trump to go stand in the corner, caregivers mysteriously disappear from the country, and the business “community” worries that Mamdani will outlaw profiting from despair.The State Department says leave foreign dictators alone, and Government Accountability Office says “Oops, sorry for doing our job.” Meanwhile, the age-old conflict between equally matched Israel and Palestine results in an attack on the World Health Organization’s headquarters, by myself and yourself, courtesy of our tax dollars.
#37 Jim Crow/Klan lives. In Israel. Government workers charged with eliminating wastefraudabuse are fired for finding it. Illegal immigrant Kal-el pretends to bring back Steel to America, while the EPA fires it scientists for discriminating against flat earth rights. Kristi Noem explains journalism to journalists, and fun-fascist Nick Fuentes condemns MAGA as a scam.
#36 Epsteingate, Colbertgate, the end of immigrants and the economy—co-inkidink?—and of course, shooting starving people in Gaza isn’t genocide as there are no ovens. Meanwhile, billionaires explain to New York that Zohran Mamdani will destroy the city that, well, they’ve already destroyed. Go figger.
#35 Losers, explained. Likewise FEMA, NOAA, science, and other wastefraudabuse remnants of Crooked Joe/Barry/Bill/Jimmy. Leftists puzzle over what farmworker kidnappings are meant to distract us from, and we explore the theory of the Fascist Streak, originally propounded by a 15 year-old pontificator named me.
Apologies for the FDR quote, which is manufactured. He did warn against leaders who “stoke fear for their own gain” and mistook “bluster for leadership.” And some other things, but not as memed here.
#34 Texas denies climate change and rejects flood warnings, but don’t nobody mention that in the weather report, please. Israeli hawks say their own policy can’t win. The Grotesquely Grabby Bill hides its effects till after the elections, nullifying democracy. People always go for blaming people just like themselves but different, instead of seeing the rich pirates right in front of their faces. That’s because America’s history isn’t allowed in national parks, books, media, or minds. Cheery eh?!
#33 The Destroy America Bigly Bill brings sickly paupers back in style, while masses of music-goers condemn settler colonialism. Boss Tweet is making America hateful, for sure, but not wealthy, except for the wealthy, who exist to keep others away from their wealth, though Zohran will try to force that door ajar. The UnDemocratic Party will attempt to block that too. We’ll see.
#32 Zohran sends Andrew back to the suburbs, while President My Lips Are Moving lies his way into and out of Iran. The Science Last project attacks laboratories in South Africa and human lives everywhere. Federal observance of Black history holidays has ceased, saving $4 and also the pain of knowing…anything. The obliteration of Gaza plunges through rock bottom looking for journalists and doctors, and the chainsawing of civilization continues throughout federal agencies, and Harvard. Also, why are Canadians not coming to the Metropolitan Museum of Art? Don’t they like being annexed?
#31 A split in the farthest right over whether to forever a war against Iran, or to concentrate on denying health care to unmarried Democrats. Trump won. Won what?
No Kings Day declares democracy has its defenders, despite Czar Donald’s bombs, bibles, and low-IQ guitars. Isramerica has bombed an Iranian TV station that may not have had tunnels under it. Meantime, DOGE continues rooting out Marxists (people who don’t worship Trump), and the State Department cancels everything except mass slaughter. And BibiDon ramp up their game of chicken with Isramerica’s backyard in an effort to keep both felons in power. People who doubt the US commitment in the Meditamerican Sea will be locked up, along with Gov-Gav Newscum and any other remaining Demtard invaders. Fascism much?
#30 A country that doesn’t admit to having nuclear weapons bombs another country that isn’t trying to have them. Good cause for world war? Boss Me Me Me ruins the Constitution and the avenue named for it. Dabbling in pronouns, the boss declares “We’re not a king.” Government lawbreakers handcuff Democratic lawmakers and fire Democrat donors—for being partisan. Also for spelling numbers with seashells. The CDC is now the Centers for Disease Circulation. And we address the question of why countries need to dominate other countries, and whether proposing alternatives will bring jail time.
#29 Elected Monarch invades L.A., CBS, and of course the Constitution. Izamerica rampage expands to dissident Jews in US. Midwest farmers feel their own pain if not that of others. And crypto makes perfect sense. To scammers.
#28 Il Dufus continues his Make America Go Away program by explaining education to Harvard and attacking the constitution, the economy, the planet, and science. In his spare time he’s fighting with Elon the Near-Great over who can kill poors better. Meanwhile, Jewish students are uncomfortable when other Jewish students bring up genocide.
#27 Trumpenyahu of Izamerica goes after Ms Rachel; Trumpers stand to lose health services; terrorized white people flee Africa to Alabama; Consent decrees from Mississippi to Riyadh are cancelled; and America will be free of the tyranny of weak showers.
#26 Great Big Bullshit Bill confirms poor people should die; the world takes unfair advantage of the empire that rules it; Fox talksperts tell the rest of us to unwoke ourself; former apartheid rulers are given asylum; Mafia Don sues Hawaii for suing oil companies for destroying Hawaii; coup leaders eat Democrats for lunch and Isamerica eats Gaza’s lunch.
#25 What Trump voters are thinking now—don’t get your hopes up; pardoning major donors, sanctioning doctors, relieving poor folks of health care, Mayor arrested for attempted exposure of ICE crimes, Dubaious dealings in the Gulf, Israelis hack enviros for Exxon, and your government goes crypto while covering its ass for the premillennial dispensationalists. (Christian Zionists, they big on big genocidal words.)
#24 Techies for Genocide compete with the World Last movement, while post-truths disguised as negotiation strategies lead to the defeat of Trumpism in the public mind and the courts—down but not out. They rage on.
#23 Mafia Donnie attacks Harvard; I’m forced to choose. Civil Rights are all secured except for Christians and Jews, Trump destroys all science, and Deep Electric invents fake oxides to scare us into thinking there’s an environment.
#22: As Israel closes schools in Gaza aerially, Trump Mafia likewise closes down anti-genocide dissent by deporting it to its neo-colony in Central America (which stole its name from the real America). Meanwhile revolt is rising among federal workers, universities, and members of the Trump Crime Family’s families.
#21: Report from the Trumpocine: Differing views on genocide provoke deportations, law firms must promote only white lawyers to ensure white law; FEMA is told to stop helping people, the Smithsonian is told to stop acting like there are racial problems in America, and Cory Booker denounces talking about Palestine by not talking about it.
#20: How we got into this mess. Plus tariffs, cuts, firings—the usual fun stuff. Also, translations of woke, Deep State, and “You’d.” Finally, sneaky forced labor is now ok, but not swasticars.
#19: How do people convince themselves to destroy society for a cheaper egg? An ongoing study. Plus translations of garble-speak, a brand of crypto-language that turns facts inside out when not just ignoring them. Meanwhile, Elon denounces empathy and Lipp denounces fanatics who employ garble-brain to follow leaders, if not parking meters. And meaner-while, people with foreign names are disappearing off our streets. Who’s next?
#18: Wassup with the nation’s surge to the Right?, part four. Americ-Iz resumes defense of democracy by genocide, the Emperor decides what religion you are, storms take advantage of fired weather forecasters, judges are declared illegal, and the White House defunds universities until they jail their students.
#17: Wassup with the nation’s drift to the Right?, part three. Plus: The death of a thousand budget cuts, swasticars run amok, Wall Street Journal condemns the ruling class, and co-dick Elon gets sass-back, Rwanda slaughters for Europe’s gain, and transgender mice run amok also – are they swastimice?
#16: Wassup with the nation’s drift to the Right?, part two. Also: ungrateful Ukrainians at the White House, 21 DOGERS resign, anarchist advice ignored by Mump, 60 Minutes to be jailed, and an end to Israeli destruction of Palestine applauded at the Oscars.
#15: Prez-King Fixit solves AIDS by killing US AID, while RFK Jr kills kids in Samoa. Elon wants to fire judges who try to block the King, who knows real estate riches when he sees them, in Ukraine. Minerals über alles!
#14: Trumped up appointees from the firm of Syco[hant, Cronmy & In-law are well qualified to dismantle their agencies, but as to Palestine: if Egypt and Indonesia refuse the Gaza survivors, will Oklahoma take them?
#13: Added to the endangered species list: America. Also watchdogs, federal computers, private information, social security checks, and US allies. Is the coup reversible? Scholars differ.
#12: No more funds to help people get by; they should all get a job. Except federal workers, who should quit. Migrants get a free ride to Guatemala, Guantanamo, and other places we’ve seized. But no condoms for Hamas. Sorry. They might make bombs out of them.
# 11: A segment startup: Wassup with the nation’s drift to the right? The confluence of crises examined in detail in 2 minutes. Also, of course, updates on birthright, gender, health care, civil rights, and foreign aid, none of which now exist. So that’s another three minutes. Sorry it’s so long—lots to cover.
#10: On the First Day of 2.0: So many orders of destruction! We can see the pattern: destroy all opposition, within the government and the nation and the world. Oh, and remove all obstacles to the enrichment of the few and the immiseration of the many. No news here. Just an unprecedented onslaught. Well, since 1933. Forgive me for having smooshed it all into a song.
#9: On the eve of the American Nakba, one more shot across the bow: Department of No Education nominee Linda McMahon. But first, in an effort to free the series from these clown/thugs a bit, a quick look at the LA fires and why they constitute a crime with multiple perps.
#8: Bobby Jr is a good fit to lead HHS if it stands for Holy Hellscape. It is confounding that he’s right about some things, and simply Right about the others. To be fair, he’s good for bird flu.
And yes, that’s me typing.
#7: Now we come to our old frenemy, the czar of foreigner hatred, Stephen “I forgot my heritage” Miller. His uncle, David Glosser, a refugee rights worker, weighs in. And his childhood rabbi.
#6: Elon and Vivek plan to DOGE the Deep State, aka your social services, and George Shrub has a swimming pool in his car. Meanwhile, Marxist Nazis run helter skelter through the fabric of society, leading leading non-thinkers to pose the question, “Do we really need society?”
#5: George Shrub and Davey Drumpf pitch in to explain Tulsi Gabbard, who takes some serious ‘splainin’. From cult to cult to cult (Hare Krishna offshoot, Assad, Modi, and the Felonious Skunk headed for the Very White House), she’s blazed a path of general feckin’ fecklessness. And that’s being charitable.
#4: Marco and Kristi have bent the knee and kissed the ring. Little Marco has knelt bigly, and Kristi promised not to shoot anydog unless it needed killin’.
#3 Kash Patel to head the FBI. All credit goes to Kash for his ability to pay for the dismantling of the FBI with crypto.
#2: Rushing this analysis of Pete “You Can’t Make This Up” Hegseth in case common sense prevails in the body politic for the first time ever during the Trumpocene and Heg folds, or is folded.
#1: Inaugurating a series of comic commentaries on the disasters of the day. Maybe there will be non-disasters too, some time or other. Meanwhile, we begin with the carnival cabinet nominees of President-elect Me-Me-Me, with an assist from his 3rd cousin twice removed, Davey Drumpf. Direct all complaints to him, and compliments to me. Find these commentaries on all anti-social media except X; also on Substack.
BEFORE THE NOW, WAS//WERE THE 90s:
HOW THE FREE MARKET WORKS (A PUBLIC SERVICE)
Well first of all, it’s not free. It’s mainly monopolies. What are the last four letters in monopolies? Why would we think the market was free? What’s Evian spelled backwards?
Secondly, we’re told they sell us products, but actually first they have to buy and sell us: our souls. Turning us into commodities to fill their needs. Then they robotize us, program us to fill our newfound needs with things that can be purchased. Choice becomes a choice between brands. The purchase of souls on their part requires an emotional and spiritual sell-out on our part.
The intellectual part of the deal is called dumbing down. Ignorance is bliss, and profitable. And there’s little the schools can do about it once the media have decided this is a morally permitted process.
People complain that I complain about big corporations all the time. It’s true I bear a grudge, and I’ll try to criticize smaller corporations more. If they’d just stop doing what they do best, so would I. Meanwhile, on with the show.
I have to admit, I’m from the old school. I thought all capitalists were bastards and should be done away with and everything given back to the workers. I’ve decided to compromise. I’m willing to let capitalists be capitalists, if they will adopt a code of responsible citizenship, and do it. They have to put a priority on working conditions, job security, wholesome products and processes that are easy on the earth, instead of prioritizing pollution and profit. Then they can make a profit, if it’s so important to them, up to 10%. I think that’s reasonable, and I think they’ll be surprised how much fun they’ll get out of working together in such a state of mutual security.
There’s a simple answer to labor unrest: give labor a rest. No, really. Four days a week, tops. Job sharing, flex time, onsite childcare. We can do it. If we can sell enough hamburgers to reach to the moon and back four times, we can do anything. I just made that figure up, but I still think we can do anything. So I’m willing to give up my old ideology, if they’re willing to stop being bastards. That’s a fair trade.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
I was talking before about Crazy Horse Malt Liquor. I mean really, the idea of wiping out a whole people and then putting their name on the drug that was used to destroy them! No shortage of chutzpah among the goyim this season. They will sell you the dope to hang yourself with and then name it after you. This is family values?
There ought to be a warning on the side of every advertisement, like the one on the cigarette pack that says “This will not kill you as fast as it will kill the person sitting next to you when you smoke it” or whatever they say now. TV ads should be labeled “This commercial has been shown to cause people to treat products as an important topic of family discussion.” Or some such.
And while we’re at it maybe celebrities should be labeled too. “This star may cause you to strive for nonexistent or unattainable lifestyles and buy associated products.”
As Fred Allen pointed out, TV is called a medium because anything well done is rare. TV shows should be labeled at the beginning with a list of the assumptions contained therein, except it would take up the whole hour. “This show mistakes you for someone who likes to get your excitement in life through watching fake car crashes and fake sex, and will turn you into that person before the hour is up.” Might be better to cut the number of programs aired in half, to allow for a rebuttal to each program. As a transitional approach, of course, to getting less destructive programs on the air. Or going outside – while there’s still any air there. Maybe they’ll invent a TV patch like the nicotine patch, to help you ex-spectate.
For that matter, stores should be labeled, on the front door, with information as to who owns it, who owns the owners, and so on up to the top of the bottom-feeders. Also what else they own and what they’ve destroyed that week in the way of rain forests, ozone, lungs, arteries clogged, hearts broken by years lost to social clambering after impossible fantasies. How about fast food joints with warnings on the door: “May tend to eliminate rain forest, choking lungs of planet.” “May tend to destroy local cultures throughout the world.”
And then, in case people ignore the signs, there should be advocates at the checkout counter, badgering—no, helping customers remember that they’re citizens: “Do you really need that? Do you know they pay women a dollar a day to make that? Why don’t you buy the big pack, it uses less packaging. You know, you can make one of those with a hanger and a paper clip and it’ll bring you closer to your kids.” Buying things is like erasing stuff from the planet: fossil fuels, flora and fauna, union rights, fabric of community; there should be a second thought function at the checkout counter, like on a computer: ” Are you sure you want to erase this?”
You are what they sell you, you know.
Do I exaggerate? No, but if people knew the effects of their collective purchases, well…it’s like this: People can’t feel the effects on other people when they vote, jingoize or purchase ignorantly. Other is too far away. Nobody knows or cares how the families of 100,000 dead Iraqis feel (I err conservatively). Bosnians? What can we do. It’s even hard to imagine the suffering in flooded Iowa, and those are some fairly white people out there.
All this is not to mention the destruction of cultures, the replacement of local drinks with Coca Colonization, the loss of indigenous musics to corporate pop schmear, etc etc. Hard to fathom, harder to feel. So let’s try bringing it home. Suppose you went down to the village square—ok, so you went downtown—sorry, to the mall, looking for your favorite fiddler, I mean synthesizer, I mean…all right, so you went there expecting to hear your good old time-honored, all-American muzak on the hidden speakers, and it had been replaced by some kind of Turkish-Laotian bagpiper! In your mall! How would you feel? Malled?
The young woman serving me a chicken sandwich one day asked where I got my bracelet. I said Guatemala, so she goes “Oh. I got mine at the mall.” So I’m like, ever wonder why they call it Guate-malla? So then she’s all “I don’t know much about politics.” Well then for God’s sake if you don’t know much about politics don’t buy anything until you find out. Jeez. One time in a restaurant I asked a woman where her jacket was from. She said Indonesia. Letting that pass, I commented that some of the patterns on it looked Guatemalan. She said, “You know I used to buy a lot of the Guatemalan stuff, but they don’t keep up with the trends.”
She had a point there. Not a good point, but a point: what can trend-impaired Mayan Indians do when fashion shifts to Indonesia?
HECKLED
Standing on stage at a weekly outdoor fair in Eugene, Oregon recently I was heckled by three guys at once. Women don’t heckle much. Either they’re not as obnoxious, don’t need the attention, or in this case, they got the joke. These guys were differently clued. Irony deficiency. I was doing my George Stump, Moderate Clearcutter impersonation (I hope the real one never shows up) and this one fellow said he lived in the forest and you could use everything that grew there for some purpose and he didn’t want me tearing it all down. Fair enough. I just couldn’t figure why he was dressed all in black. You don’t need to wear black in the forest—there’s nothing to be nihilistic about there. Unless he lives in a clearcut.
The second guy said you didn’t need to cut trees for paper since you could make it better from hemp. Fine. The third guy was a logger, who I immediately invited on stage to share the microphone. It’s like Republicans – I like them where I can see them. When they’re out of office, I’m not sure what they’re doing in their underground Think Lairs. I wanted this guy on stage where I could keep track of him.
Suddenly I was reminded of the time I went to the opera in South Bend, Indiana and there was a sign just past the ticket table saying “No loaded guns beyond this point.” Every other time I’d been to the opera they set out cough drops to keep you quiet. Both times, as I recall. Here they collect your bullets. Not. Turns out there was a gun show on the same floor. This made for interesting male behavior in the men’s room, where it belongs. Guys sizin’ each other up to see if they’re gun nuts or opera wimps. To this level has class struggle in America sunk. I started talkin about the crazy guy wavin a single shot antique around like there would be no tomorrow. You know, the kind they had to make do with back in Mozart’s day. And they all moved away from me on the bench. All except this one guy who was loaded, in lieu of his gun, and wanted to buy me a drink. From his belt he pulled out a small bottle of Crazy Horse Malt Liquor. I asked him didn’t he have any Martin Luther King Jr. Lite Beer. He moved away too.
CAN YOU SAY GENERATION GAP?
One decade I woke up to find that folk music was back. Of course, they don’t call it that, because it isn’t real folk music—you can tell: it doesn’t start with Come All Ye. The new young players learn it from CDs. Folk music, when we had it, was learned from vinyl. No, they call it acoustic music now. At first I thought they said acrostic music, which was puzzling. Kids these days, they play their idea of rock n roIl so loud some of us older hippies have to turn our hearing aids down. As Tipper Gore said, I don’t like to see good old rock ‘n roll carried too far.
These superbass things you hear riding around, sometimes I can’t tell if it’s coming from their car or mine. I swear, one of these days I’m going to drive through the city at one AM, pop in my Pete Seeger tape and turn the treble up to 10, see how they like that!
But I like the new music. I learned the difference several years ago playing in a bar in Munich. Young guy came up after and said “The first song you did was interesting. The second was not.” I now have an A list and a B list, for people under 25 and over 50. Grownups like folk music, kids like acoustic music. People in between, like me, still want to know what happened to the old bands with normal names like Strawberry Alarm Clock. What is The The, a noun shortage?
They also have a new thing called Spoken Word Concerts. This used to be called talking, but I guess there’s more money in it if it has a longer name.
I am getting old. I still have an in-dash that plays 78s. On the information superhighway, I’m in the towaway lane. I just got into punk zines. I bought one that said the next issue would have an article telling “Why it’s ok to like Melanie.” Never came out. Melanie is not on the cultural literacy list. But then, neither is “zine.” See, I remember stuff. I can remember when the Smiths broke up and formed the Smithereens. But one of the benefits of getting older is that you have the option to appreciate more diverse kinds of cultural input. You also have the option to narrow yourself so you can fit into a narrower cultural space—to forget what you knew and learn a little less each year. I haven’t exercised that one yet.
Of course you all know the Big Bang theory: All the different kinds of music were created in the 1st trillionth of a second, and they’ve been getting farther and farther out ever since. Which is a problem when I travel, because I have a lot of tapes in the car and if I switch from Zap Mama to Mozart I have to stop and change jackets. Mood jackets are very important. You wouldn’t go to a Cumbia dance with a disco bag would you? Well then.
Occasionally I do turn on the radio, but four heavy metal stations in a row is a good case for nationalization. Eventually I suppose all those nice young metal people will grow up and metal out and then some guy in the top floor of 30 Rock will invent the Classic Metal format and then I’ll probably like it. I just don’t like it when they re-write my history. As Dylan said, nostalgia is death. That’s because nostalgia is a distortion, a longing for a version of life that never happened. It’s my own life, deboweled. And what is speed metal anyway, the sound of a car on the freeway hitting robot road kill?
I’ll tell you what’s even worse is four Christian rock stations in a row. Nothing against Christianity or rock, in their place. Which is not together, unnaturally conjoined, on my radio. No. Sometimes in the mountains the Christian Rock station is the only one that gets through. That would be enough to make a convert out of me, but then they put that…”music” on. 100% Real Imitation Music. Kinda weakens their case, I think. So back to tapes. I’m not getting a CD player in my car, because I happen to know that in honor of the tenth anniversary of CDs, they’re replacing them. With mini-CDs. In fact, in honor of the 25th anniversary of almost everything, I’m having a music implant put in, direct to the digital computer God gave me, with a universal adapter installed in my forehead. Then when they try to sell me a new configuration I’ll just plug in and head-butt them and they’ll fry in their own market manipulation. I’ll claim self-defense.
Incidentally, the cheaper the car, the better speakers you need. They make speakers with a summer switch now, for those of us who use manual air conditioning, known also as windows. Lacking pricey speakers, no subtle music in the summer. It’s all right, in summer you want to relive your youth anyway.
FITTING IN
You learn a lot when you travel. Like the fact that each town limit sign tells you the local population and altitude. That’s so you’ll know how high the people are. This can be important to a visitor who wishes to act right. Suppose you went into a pub in Ireland and sang a bad song. Misconception. The Irish, like the Spanish Republicans, lost all the battles but had all the good songs. This is bound to change soon, though. The Brits will get a good song any time now.
It’s important to fit in. Otherwise you’ll never learn anything. I wouldn’t say you should fit in at home; that would certainly be counterproductive and result in mass fascist rallies and wars of aggression. Has. But we’re talking about travelling here, learning about new peoples and their ways, broadening your horizons, visiting Arkansas. Towns where you pull into a parking meter and it’s got ten hours already paid. In my town, people pay more to park than most people pay to live. Some of the towns there are so community-minded, a guy waved to me at a stop light because he knows everybody around there. When he realized he didn’t know me, he tried to take it back. But I had already copped the wave and sped on to the next town.
I get a kick out of running around the country trading my albums for things. Dinner, auto repair, bridge tolls, bail. One time though, trade was not on the menu. I’m pretty sure I almost got mugged that time. These two friendly young guys pulled alongside me on the highway and said my back wheel was loose. That should have been a tip-off right there, because I’m a bit of a mechanic and I happen to know there’s two back wheels on that particular model. But I pulled over, and they pulled over, and I looked at them and I pulled un-over and got on out of there because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that movie before.
One time a guy asked me what time it was to see if my watch was worth mugging for. Never carry more on your wrist than you’re prepared to defend. Another time a guy took all my money only to realize it was only two dollars, so he gave it back. He didn’t exercise his other option, which was to beat me for being a poor provider. Never carry less than you would want to get yourself, if you had his job.
In some parts now they have rumble strips on the highway every 20 miles to wake you up. That’s really irritating if you’re asleep. But I think if I was really drunk, which is the implication, I’d just drive right over them without taking much notice. Some people say they’re there to keep people alert. I say, get a coffee implant. I have an in-dash coffee maker, but I don’t use it because it always spills into the Fax machine. I had it put in after the time I had $200 damage done to the car. (The car was stolen.)
As it happens, I have a very active fax life, and that’s why I don’t fall asleep. As a matter of fact, I’ve given up drinking for fax. Fax reassures me that someone cares. That makes me feel like I fit in. I don’t, but I like the feeling.
In New York State near the Tappan Zee Bridge, there’s an exit for Readers’ Digest Road. Is that a condensed version of the state? The country? On a back road in Missouri, there’s a “Rug and Flea Mart.” Is that one-stop shopping? There’s also “drive-through Chinese Food.” Is that messy? The World Arm-Wrestling championship is held in Bend, Oregon. This is true. In Arkansas there’s a gun store right next to the donut shop. So they don’t have to shoot far, I guess.
TECHNOLOGY TALKS
Ever since they put call waiting on the phone sex lines (callus interruptus) I’ve gotten jumpy every time I hear a stray beep. I decided to get a vasectomy and started shopping around. I usually buy stuff second-hand, since it helps to contain the nation’s economy and to expand mine. You don’t want the economy to expand out of control, since the economy generally expands into the ecology, which is unhealthy for plants and animals and other living things. But a good used vasectomy is hard to come by, so I just bought a good, serviceable non-designer one at Sears. Now every time I get excited the garage door goes up.
This didn’t do much for my phone problem so I got a phone implant. Now I can talk on the phone while I walk, drive, talk to other people, etc. Sometimes I get mixed up and make a bank deposit instead of a fax, and then I have to take my head down to the bank to be balanced. But that’s about all the technology I own. I have three tools, two of which are nails. I have an exercise machine on my desk, one of those rotary telephones. It exercises your fingers, which is all the muscles a guitarist or columnist really needs.
I’ve always thought visible muscles were a sign of excess leisure time. It’s jealousy, of course, but have you ever thought about those sweatshops people hang out in—those gyms, as they politely call them? The exercise machines are hooked up to a gizmo that runs the lights for the building, right? Think again. Or think at all! With a gym on every block, they could power the whole city while they’re getting healthy and hard. But noooooo.
I seem to remember a time when people had muscles or even health because they worked with their bodies, outdoors, procuring or raising food and all that. Well, I don’t begrudge a civilization a little urban muscle tone decay, but if they’re going to spend all that time and money pumping themselves up they could at least turn on the lights for the rest of us. Maybe they could even accrue part ownership in the gym—build up some sweat equity.
Maybe not.
For a while I was famous in certain circles for having a VCR and no TV. Then I got a TV and sank into obscurity. It was, however, obscurity without cable. I have to go over to my lawyer friend’s house to watch cable. She slipped the cable guy some fake legal advice and now she has all the channels. She even has the Playboy channel, which of course I only watch for the articles.
It was in fact in one of these articles that I learned about the computerized shopping carts. Seems some of your more yupped-up markets now have a little digitised screen on the cart, and if you’re looking for a particular item in the store, you just stick your digit on that item on the screen and it will point out your current relative location. It will also beep at you if you pass an advertised special, a feature no doubt difficult to unilaterally disconnect.
Well, the more I thought about all this the more it struck me as potentially the site of the next great consumer movement. You know that boycott book, the one that tells you what brands of anything in the world you shouldn’t be buying, and why not? Software, Charlie. Put it on disk. I’m not saying this information should be included in the shopping cart’s hard disk—that would be asking the store to sell you the rope to hang them with.
No, the popular demand is for disk drives in shopping carts. Bring in the disk yourself, pop it in, and pass each product over the screen. If the company is on the moral goody lis— nice to unions, women, minorities, bears, trees and ozone—you get that reassuring late-high-western-civ beep. If they’re bad guys, it speaks, and loud enough for everyone in a three-brand radius to hear: “Boycott!! Invests in slave-wage factories in Burma! ” The frequency of these reports will have the side benefit of making it unpleasant for everyone to shop, which frees up time for more positive pursuits.
Just an idea.
RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES
I perform mainly for the two basic denominations: churches and bars. I come on after the Georges: Shrub and Stump. My character isn’t as developed as theirs, but I play guitar better. It was in the churches that I got into twelve-step groups. Naturally the first one I went to was the group for compulsive talkers, On and On. There was a guy there who wanted me to come to the meeting for obsessive-compulsives, but they met every night. I do work on it a lot. I’m still in denial, but at least I admit it.
Of course the things I substitute for religion have fallen into ill repute. People say I should stop quoting Karl Marx and quote Harpo more. That just shows how illiterate people are. The reason people are illiterate is that they don’t read. That might seem simple, but behind it is the accelerated pace of all the things that have replaced life. People who do read can only do it in snatches, during commercials, in between other tasks and sometimes even at the same times. In fact, there’s a big debate going on now about whether, if you insist on brushing your teeth while reading a book, you should pull off the road first.
In response to illiteracy, or perhaps as a further incentive to it, words are being replaced by acronyms. Real literacy is knowing that KFC is a place to get chicken, not a computer store. Soon actual words will be considered anachronyms. Even your PC won’t recognize them any more. I don’t like the trend. In fact, I’m passing around a petition to ask Congress to end this decade early so we can start over.
Since we’ve stopped using words, naturally we don’t read newspapers any more. That’s a mixed blessing. On the one hand, we don’t know what’s going on. On the other hand, those of us who do read the paper know even less. We know things that aren’t even true. It’s called the mainstream press, but that’s a misnomer. This is not a mainstream country. Meanstream, maybe. Using words like “free”—free press, free trade, free market, free world. The nerve. Free exploitation, maybe. The first one’s always free.
If the new religion is celebrity, the sacrament is fast food. So as a premature old fart I found it a great pleasure to stop at a drive-up diner on a back road somewhere in the Mid-South one night and order a fish sandwich. The pleasure was in the fact that the fish sandwich was actually called that on the menu. Not a Filet-o-Fish. Not a Whaler. Just a fish sandwich. I once ordered a fish sandwich at a certain chain face-filling emporium—I will admit to having been there even though I don’t like chains, or whips either for that matter, so the story can be told—and the counter clerk demurred, insisting that I order something that was on the menu. Pretending to cooperate in my own transformation into a walking, talking advertisement for their product, I again ordered a fish sandwich. Instantaneously classifying me in the computer God gave her—these workers are amazingly overqualified—as a hopeless nut case, she pressed the microphone to her lips to ensure distortion and barked “Whaler!”
Of course, most folks think someone takes the cue and goes out the back door, catches a whale, cuts off a square piece and slaps in between a bun. Those of us who have studied the matter know our meal is actually made of dolphin. But back at the back road cafe, which doesn’t even have a name-Way!-but does have a sign reporting that “We Be Cookin’!”, they’re out of fries. But that’s all right, because I would prefer fish without fries to being whipped into a whaler.
HEALTH CARE
I never understood the health care thing until I got sick. One night I was having pain and swelling in my throat. I couldn’t even swallow my own spit—I had to hire someone to come in. I couldn’t get to sleep, so I tried to doing a mailing. That usually works. Not. So at 2:30 in the morning I went down to the emergency room.
A lot of us live in the fast lane, not necessarily going anywhere but busy, with people wanting a piece of our time, calling us up, computers calling us up, talking to our computers, behind our backs. Constant demands. Well here’s a place you can go where you can be left alone. No one will bother you in the emergency room. You can sit there for hours, waiting for Hillary or someone like her. At six the shift changed, and the outgoing head nurse walked her replacement down the hall explaining what everybody’s problem was: “Gun shot, gun shot, gun shot, gun shot, sore throat…” Triage. I went home and took an aspirin.
There’s a simple reason we can’t have health care. It costs money, and we don’t have any. The cities are decaying because the money went to the suburbs. Now the suburbs are decaying because the money went to the other suburbs. As soon as the cities were beyond help, sometime in the seventies, Black mayors were elected. They can’t do anything about it, and they get the blame. Everybody in the emergency room except me was Black. The city has become one big emergency room. And as soon as the NAFTA-GATT folks finish transporting their operations beyond the control of any government, we’ll probably get a Black Woman President, who won’t be able to do anything either, and will get blamed.
As soon as the store is bankrupt, they give you the keys. This is the cue for the media to take a poll and explain to the people that they hate the government for doing this to them. Not the corporations, but Big Government, Affirmative Action, Minorities, Women, everyone but the actual thieves, who are laughing all the way to an offshore bank.
A lot of people don’t realize that health is mainly a question of mud. The word humor originally meant liquid, as in the four humors of the body: blood, bile, piss and vinegar, or something like that. Being in good humor comes from being in good health. Back then it was humour, but they took u out, and we’ve been illin’ ever since. From the same root comes humidity, obviously. On the other hand, humility comes from humus, earth. So does human. Earth and water together make health. We have got to get ourselves back to the garden, and mud. That’s what we were trying to do at the first outdoor rock festival, in 1968, the Sky River Rock Festival and Lighter Than Aire Faire. We held it in Washington state, to make sure. I can remember the sixties like it was yesterday. Of course, I can’t remember yesterday too well. But I’ve always thought short-term memory loss isn’t nearly as bad as historical amnesia. Is that a health problem? You betcha. A pandemic it is.