Wild Bill Bailout



Wild Bill Bailout, the Bard of the Bankers, sometimes shadows Lippman in order to present the Right Point of View. Here are some of his copyrighted ideas, from 2011-2015, roughly. He’s pretty rough.
(Be sure to see his video commentary.)

The world will little note…(I hope)
Four wars and seventy coups ago our generals brought forth on each continent a new empire, perceived as liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that our dominance has no sequel.

Now we are engaged in accounts stashed offshore, testing whether this empire, or any empire so perceived and so predicated, is now manure. We are met on a great prattlefield of that manure. We have come to dedicate a portion of that manure as the final arresting place for those who here gave their lives that that empire might be arrested. We are altogether permitting the coppers that they do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot desecrate, we cannot Watergate around. The brave men, corporate and dread, who collateralized here, have desecrated it far beyond our poor power to pad or de-fact. The world will little note, nor long remember what I deny here, but it can never forget what they stole here.

So it is that we here slyly absolve those who have spied and detained, that this empire, richer than God, shall have a new dearth of freedom, and that government over the people, bypassing the people, abhoring the people, shall not perish our net worth.

This is what Plutocracy looks like.
Dear friends at #OWS*:

First off, to answer your question; Whose streets? Mine.

I just want to clear up a few misconceptions on the part of the occupants of, well, my streets. Those “99%”who have been occupying Wall Street and its 99% owned subsidiary, Main Street.

First of all, yes, another world is possible, but it is illegal.

“They got bailed out, we got sold out”? You see, your message is too diffuse, meandering, unclear.

“You can’t evict an idea whose time has come.” No, but you can buy it. Or I can. And that’s why I’m starting a new grass root-ish movement: OccuBuy Everything.

“Ideas are bulletproof.” Maybe so, but I have other weapons. I can shoot your ideas with a billion bucks worth of, well, buckshot. Otherwise known as the media-edu-obfuscatory complex.

I give you high marks for your ideas. You get them from Marx. And Marx was high.

To be fair (just this once), your speakers and placards are compelling, making many strong points. But I’m sure you’re nice people anyway.

Your actions constitute class warfare. That’s MY job. And let’s be clear: pepper spraying is covered by the first amendment. And yes, pepper spray is a vegetable. So eat it.

(* the sound you make when you encounter the joysticks and spray-on vegetables proffered by the officers who serve and protect, mainly me.)

Mideast takes over the Midwest
Well I hope you’re happy. Foreign influences are unresting Middle America. The Union Thugs in Madison, directed by a far-off potentate born in the Hawaiian section of Kenya, or vice versa, are implementing their bi-sexual sleep-in strategy to destroy family values. Families, after all, are not based on collective bargaining.

And what’s the big whup? The GOP only wants to rescue the economy by abolishing college, women, the environment, public television, workers, and eating. This is not an attack on poor people – it will make lots more of them. To be fair, the Democrat Party has responded forcefully, saying “um, well…”

Neato Veto
About that US veto at the UN, overturning the decision of the rest of the Security Council to condemn the “illegal” “settlements” Israel has been building to spruce up the West Bank Desert: passing that resolution risked encouraging people to come to the UN for solutions instead of working things out as equals, colonizer and colonized, together in earnest if non-existent peace talks. But more important is the moral issue: the resolution risked pissing off Israel.

The Middle East is Revolting
Lots of change in the Middle of the East. Well, Libya and Morocco are as far west as western Europe, but when you’re in the global South, you’re really East, you know? Which is convenient, since we can treat you like we did Vietnam, eh? OK, that’s settled.

Things are tense in Libya, but Mr. Gaddafi has really gotten out in front of things, offering to change the national anthem. Which is pretty generous of him, considering that, as his son explained, the protesters are all on drugs and trying to break the country apart, presumably into its two components, Libya and Gaddafi.

The rulers are not so forthcoming in Bahrain, nor in Iran. We call on the Iranian government to stop the use of violence, and we call on the Bahrainian government to continue to be our military base. Since Iran hasn’t been, lately.

We also congratulate the Orderly Military of Egypt for their Orderly Transition to a new Post-Mubarak Order, and hope the rabble will understand that it takes generations to change a pre-democratic culture like theirs, which we supported for them at no extra charge. We had to, because we needed all the democracy for ourselves. Not that we’re using it. We’re saving it, in case we need it later. Like, when our rabble revolts. Then we can offer generous concessions, like changing the national anthem. We can take God out of it. Or move Him from the fourth to the third verse. That’s fucking huge. What more could those Wisconsiners want?!

No Facebook? I’ve been E-Gypt!
Everybody loves a party. So I say, let the alleged millions who are partying in Cairo like it’s 1999 – that is, without twitter – go on and enjoy their Sputnik moment. Then when they simmer down, they can get back to business as usual: starving.

As the facebook-induced chaos continues, it becomes clear that what makes it chaotic is that it appears to have no leaders. Appearances can be deceiving: it’s clear to me that it is directed by a joint directorate of Chavez and Kim Il Jong.

The world is rarely fair, but this is a particularly unfair fight. Millions of mobsters are picking on the paltry police. Pick on someone your own size, I say. And stop climbing on tanks to pray. Tanks should prey on the people, not the other way around.

A particularly sinister indicator is the drowning out of “God is Great” chants by those of “Muslim, Christian, we are all Egyptian.” Not only does this formulation discriminate against the complex-chant-impaired, it clearly targets Jews, who, as we all know, wish to be Egyptians too. Everyone wants to walk like that now. We are all Egyptians today, except for Tunisians. And Jews. I expect the Jews and Tunisians to sue, if not invade.

Prime Minister of the Country That Matters Netanyahu has made it clear that not only is Israel the only democracy in the Middle East, but it must stay that way.  It’s fine to say 83 million Egyptians deserve democracy, but that will end democracy for the Jewish four-fifths of Israel, the only Four-Fifths Democracy in the Middle East.

Al Jazeera is having its anti-Sputnik moment, having been banned by the non-dictatorship in Egypt, the quasi-authoritarian free market nation of China, and the full democracy of the United States of Comcast.

A final dark portent: fifteen year-olds directing traffic, and better at it than the official traffic cops. Child labor is the first step on the way to sweatshops. So hey, there’s a silver lining here! Sweatshops after all are the most efficient form of production, as long as I own them.

This is Wild Bill saying it’s getting too wild out there, calm down, I’ll do the wilding for you. Go home. I’ll talk to Hosni. He’ll leave in September; I just can’t say which one.

Bradley Manning Mans Around
This fellow was disclosing military secrets that we all knew any way, that reveal that war is hell and governments lie – that is so gay. This pfc was Manning around with men. I mean these are men servicing servicemen. You didn’t ask, but I told.

This guy had a promising career and he blew it by revealing piddly secrets about war like how we murder people and call it glory. Big news. This guy worked in intel? This is old stuff. Why did he do it? It’s all because he didn’t fit in. Okies made fun of him for being a geek. He went to Wales, they made fun of him for being gay. OK, true, there’s no Okie geeks, but there are plenty of gay wales.

The lesson? Mamas, don’t let your babies make fun of geeks and gays or we may find out the truth about why they’re gonna die in far off Twenty-years-from-now-i-stan. It’s clear now that he did it all for attention, like Ellsberg, like MLK – desperate men. And that Christ guy – boy did he need attention. And so gay.

The Victory Mosque
I know everybody’s been waiting for me to explain this. It’s near the World Trade Center area. There’s a Pussycat Lounge in that area too. They have lap dances. There’s a strip club. Liquor stores, bars. Those are ok.  But the Islamic Cultural Center will promote moderation, openness, and cross-cultural understanding – thus making it harder to have a war on Islam. How to have world domination with no enemy? Therefore, the cultural center is a mosque and two blocks away is exactly the same place. The fact they’ve already been in the neighborhood 27 years explains how they did it. The Trade Center. Oh, you thought Bush did it? He’s not that smart. Muslims are smart. And crafty. Like Jews used to be, when they were the enemy.
Stay tuned. Or switch to Fox.

Spill Baby Spill
OK, OK, so the oily boid gets the law firm. Fine, you win, it’s officially a Bummer. And this is how BP repays us for overthrowing Iran for them in ’53? It’s un-American.

But imagine, if you will, a wind spill. Oy, if not horrors! If the turbines sank, and kept on turning because no one knew how to cap them, they would churn up tides to rival Katrina. This is what the terrorists want; this is why they planted people inside BP and/or Halliburton and/or Transocean to blow up the Deepwater Horizon.  To get us to turn to wind – they want us to steal God’s power, like the trees in Arizona are stealing the people’s water. They want to Katrinize our coastal metro areas, driving metrosexuals and other liberals inland where they’ll take land from actual Americans.

The root of the problem is that we’re dominated by powerful industry giants: Big Wind, Big Sun, Big Tide. We’ve got to take our country back. Yes, war for oil! But this time, domestic oil. Like cooking oil. By the way, the so-called disaster in the alleged gulf is technically called a “blowout,” which in lay terms means Big Sale. On cooking oil.

Obama, as an immigrant, hates Arizona because it’s in the United States and full of English-speakers. So he’s been trying to fill it up with Mexicans. From New Mexico and other foreign places. You know, New Mexicans are just thinly-disguised Old Mexicans.

So now you can be stopped in Arizona for walking while Hispanic. Which is a problem, and actually Mrs. Justice Sotomayor was down there visiting and she got stopped and asked for her papers. Sadly for her, she didn’t have anything on her, except the constitution.

It turns out most of the cops are against the new “Papers Please” law – it’s too much work. So I think the state is going to find some harder-working cops. Maybe immigrants. They always take the dirty jobs no one else wants.

One word for you: beisbol. A game without a Mexican? Improbable. But there’s talk of a base-boycott. And then the team had the balls to come out as “Los Suns.”  What next, Spanglize the name of the state?

One caution: Arizona Iced Tea is not from there. It’s from Long Island. So don’t boycott it. Boycott Long Island Iced Tea.

Afghanistan certainly needs an overhaul.
It’s not true that Afghanistan is Pashtun for Vietnam. It is true that Pakistan is Urdu for Cambodia.

Many nations, not to say empires, have sent armies to Afghanistan and all have succeeded in failing. Obama, however, brings hope. And surgical strikes – that’s really health care for all. So we’ll see. It’s clear he already has buyer’s remorse. Or at least sticker shock. He wanted to trade Afghanistan in for Pakistan as part of the cash for clunkers deal. Too slow. I have a bumper sticker on my car: I’m already for the next war. But this one’s been good to us – it’s a jobs program, mostly. There’s been a great heartening of the armories. And it’s been good for the planners in our think tanks. Where we mostly think about tanks. Also, they say that our activities are the biggest recruiter for al Qaeda, so we’re kind of taking their job away from them, but if they go belly up, I’m sure we’ll bail them out.

Health care certainly needs an overhaul – and we’re going to make sure it gets one: a partial, moderate, eventual overhaul, with many different payers. After all, we already have a single payer – you. About government’s role in health care, I’m of two minds, which may be why I speak with a forked tongue. On the one hand, government-run health care would insure everybody at a low cost. On the other, the health insurance denial industry gave me $4 million. So, it’s too bad we had to destroy health care reform in order to save it, but so it goes. As long as I’m in charge.

There’s a reason we don’t go to “Medicare for All”: we don’t want to re-invent one sixth of the economy. That would be like bailing out banks or something. Besides, we have traditions in this country. We have a tradition of employer-based indentured servitude to health care denial corporations. Throwing it out would be like throwing out fascism or female genital mutilation just because you’re dissatisfied. So no, we’re not going to nationalize health care, just nationalize citizens’ responsibility to buy health care from big health care denial companies. I want government out of my life – I don’t mean Social Security, the police, medicare, the military. I’m talking about government meddling. You know, “social services” for people who can’t even bother to be me.

The house of cards comes home to roost.
Now that the country is bankrupt, we’ve given it to the black guy. Remember Detroit? Good luck with that.

Regulation, Phil Gramm has recently explained, is now unnecessary. We have finally outgrown the Depression-era fad, clearing the decks to get on with history, that is to say, the next Depression. True, corporate executives (Commanders in Thief, some would say) have been giving themselves $39 billion in bonuses while losing $74 billion. But you can afford to bail them out, now that you’ve got no house payments.

Our leading Financial Citizens are working hard to rescue their economy while some near-Americans are whining about their 401Ks and other mental recessionary issues. But the bailout is misunderstood. Some say it’s socialism, but it’s not: it’s partial, temporary, side-door nationalizing, not socialism. Sort of a temporary national socialism kind of thing. Anyway, it’s proper redistribution of wealth – from those who lost it back up to them again. It’s not Obamistic class warfare-spread-the-wealth-around socialism, just normal temporary side-door un-distribution, spread-the-wealth-up-national-non-socialism.

Republicans do re-distribute: they gave $150,000 of clothing to a hockey mom, to be re-redistributed later. And both parties have redistributed jobs – spread the jobs all around the world, in fact.

Obama will fix it. Or at least Larry Summers will. He’ll give us change we can buy a candy bar with. On the other hand, if Big O wants to do big change instead of spare, he could convert us all to hybrid (socialist) cars. But why stop there? After all, the economy always grows into the ecology; if you want to save the earth, why not invest in carbon? Did you ever hear of a hydrogen footprint? Of course not.

It looks like the Spendo-Dems will bail out the auto industry if they’ll agree to make “clean” cars, once again holding America (General Motors) hostage to the fuel-efficient hybrid mafia. This has Al Gore and his plug-in thugs written all over it. Next up: wind-powered cars – powered by the wind created by the car in front of you. A horizontal pyramid scheme.

If the Big Three collapse, a big three million jobs could be lost. But that includes the hot dog vendors and bartenders near the shuttered auto plants. I suggest a cut in taxes on hot dogs and beer. That would encourage growth in middle America, or at least its mid-section.