February 12, 1994
Unemployment figures are down again this month, due to the fact that people have finally given up looking for work.
Network executives are vying to purchase the rights to the Bobbitt story, but it is unclear what will be shown in the uncut version.
Independent Taxpayer-Dollar Waster Lawrence Walsh has issued his final report on the Iran-Contra mishap, concluding that it is difficult to know what President Reagan did not know and when he first did not know it. Walsh charges that there was a cover-up, although, as Oliver North explained at the time, “I may have misled you, Senators, but I misled you in good faith.” The report charges that key figures changed their stories about what they didn’t know, but distinguished foreign policy scholar Elliot Abrams countered, “I never said I had no idea about most of things you said I said I had no idea about.”
The CIA has concluded that the Chiapanite terrorist campaign in Mexico is not the result of Guacamolean guerrilla imperialism, as had been claimed by the Mexican government. The Agency says it is now believed to be a case of internal aggression. The rebels are, however, clearly well-heeled, since “Zapatista” translates as “one with shoes.” The guerrillas appear to believe that violence can bring about change, but the government has explained that violence only works for keeping things the same. It also appears that most Chiapans support the government, as statistics from the last election show more residents of the state voted for President Salinas than there are registered voters.