2007
Oil. Not Vinegar.
President Bush has always stood up to the oil companies. When they enter the room, he stands up. Granted, Exxon/Mobil’s value has increased by a trillion dollars due to Bush’s activities at the east coast office of Exxon/Mobil—which is to say, the White House.
To the victor go the oils.
Why all these oil wars? Simply put: To the victor go the oils. And more and more of our foreign oil is coming from overseas.
Read between the pipelines: We need hydrogen-powered cars. But meanwhile, on to Iraq. We can rescue East Hydrogenia later.
Yes I know there’s oil in Texas. But saying we should bomb Texas because they have oil is like saying we shouldn’t rent Ryder trucks to Euro-American Christian men.[1]
But it’s not really about oil. It’s not. It’s about access to oil— not our access to oil, but other people’s access to Our Oil. For example, if you cut off Syria’s access to our oil in Iraq, then you can get them to behave. We’ve talked to our friends in the region about this, and this is what Israel said: Syria has troops in Lebanon, thereby deciding what the future of that nation will be. And that’s Israel’s job.
Do you think we’re going to invade a country to get vinegar? Well, we might surprise you. What would we do with oil and no vinegar?
Peace. Not Puppets.
All you demonstrators need to get your message, whatever it is, across peacefully. People have been arrested for demonstrating with weapons, like phones and puppets. Phones look like guns, and puppets look like politicians. We’re most interested in the ringleaders of puppet-making, though we won’t necessarily be arresting corporate CEOs.
The earth is mainly warming on campuses.
6,000 years ago, when the earth was formed—in Kansas, I think—universities weren’t full of liberals. The earth is mainly warming on campuses. These totalitarianationistic professors brainwashing our youth—they come in, they say “Is it warm in here or is it just me?” Get the answer wrong, you’ll never get a job.
Nike was sued for false advertising. As if there was true advertising. It’s a violation of their right to buy free speech.
Enronitis
About Enron: the administration had little to do with that, aside from the President, the Veep, the Secretary of the Army, the United States Trade Representative, and top economic and political advisers.
The Pentagon is considering a North American command. It has so far the Pacific, Latin America, Europe, the Middle East. It just never occurred to us to use the military to defend the United States.
The United States is putting $100 million toward convincing women on welfare to marry their kids’ dads. Not to worry, the money is being taken from battered women’s shelters.
Congo Gold
The good folks at Barrick Gold Mining funded three things: both sides of the Congo civil war and the campaign of W—perhaps on the advice of the adviser to their International board, George HW Bush.
Don’t Yugo There
Milosevic wanted to dominate the Muslims in Bosnia. So we had to help those Muslims before other Muslims did. We couldn’t have that war spreading to Greece. Then Turkey would want some too.
I can take two, three countries at a time. You know what Che Guevara said about two, three many Vietnams, don’t you? You don’t? Good. Well, we need to be able to fight two or three wars at once just in case we decide to instruct two or three countries to hate us at the same time.
Chile
There’s different kinds of democracy, just like communism. There’s theirs and their ours. In Chile they’re still practicing, and they haven’t got it right yet, so we made a small correction for them. Swapped out some parts. Their President was micro-managing the specifics, so we thought it would be good to switch it to generals.
Afghanistan
Warlords have feelings too, you know. We’re going to find out who’s arming those Muslim fundamentalists, and if turns out to be us, well, we’re going to commission a study on that.
The old empires used to give people countries, for free, by drawing a line in the sand. So when they wanted to draw a line around India, using indigenous materials, of course there was lots of tea, you put the tea in the sand, you get stan. Later, the Soviets adopted that model and created a bunch of stans over here.
Texas
Texas has long been a good friend to the United States. Texas actually is right on the edge of our great Southwest, which used to be someone else’s great Northeast. But like Jorge Arbusto[2] says, tu casa es mi casa. That might seem like chutzpah, but I think it shows cojones. Which you shouldn’t, of course.
Death Penalty
Capital punishment takes many forms. A tax on dividends, that’s Capital punishment. And when people start asking questions about Capital punishment, you need the death penalty. If you haven’t asked any questions, you have nothing to worry about.
Honor Roll
I’d like to pause for a moment of glorification for the late, great Jim Critchfield, a CIA operative (now it can be told) who fought the Nazis, then recruited them to fight the Commies, then supported Saddam’s party into power. He retired and became an adviser to Sultan of Oman. You think he doesn’t sleep well at night? And of course, these days, day?
[1] Timothy McVeigh rented a Ryder truck to bomb the Oklahoma City federal building.
[2] Spanish for both Shrub and Bush. Economical with the tooth.