SUVs
Why do people fly so many flags on their car? Perhaps to make themselves a target for terrorists in order to draw fire away from other targets. That’s nice. Or perhaps they have no other way of saying “I’m proud, I’m an American, I will survive, these colors don’t run.” Etc. etc. But they could say all that by shopping. No. It’s really about the improved aerodynamics for the vehicle. The stripes do it.
The original SUV’s were not called that. Some call them axles of evil. They weren’t sporty, unless running other vehicles off the road and then flipping over is a sport. No, they were called FUV’s, Fuck You Vehicles—not necessarily meaning you, you know, but just, shall we say, your planet.
Media
The FCC recently abolished its ownership caps, so that media ownership could be streamlined down to six guys owning your mind. There was a long series of hearings about this that weren’t reported in the media, even though it’s owned by at least seven guys. If you do know about the hearings, you obviously are listening to some other media, owned by some eighth woman or some damn thing.
It’s true that only five companies own all the patents on GMOs. But they have every right to that pentopoly, just like Clear Channel has the right to program your local radio station from Houston. Why are you complaining? They put local ads in for you, after all.
You can’t win a nuclear war.
If you don’t fight a nuclear war.
The “terminator technology” causes seeds to die so you can’t hoard them illegally for another year just because “farmers” have “always” done “that.” Clear Channel, by the way, when they get done clearcutting the airwaves of grain—that is, culture—will be using only terminator songs. You won’t be able to hum them without paying a fee. This will finally resolve the earworm issue. It wouldn’t have been an issue except they were considered an endangered species.
Korea
You can’t win a nuclear war. If you don’t fight a nuclear war. North Korea wants to have nuclear weapons and ignore treaties. And that’s our job.
We’re currently looking into what we can do to avoid a nuclear war with North Korea, which they badly want to have because we added them to the axis of evil, since we needed a non-Muslim country in there. But let’s face it, you can’t win a nuclear war. If you don’t fight a nuclear war.
The North Koreaks are a threat to the South Koreanese. They accuse us of not taking an interest in liberating Korea. We were actually on our way to do that, but look at the map. Iraq is on the way.
We had a little police action there, where we were obliged to destroy the industrialized part, which was the North. And then we built it in the South, to set an example.
As for this allegation that we’re out to overthrow governments one after the other, what do you want, all at once? You can’t afford that.
I do want to clarify this overthrowing governments thing. We have a schedule for admitting. We just admitted Iran, ’53. We’re scheduled to admit Guatemala—the ’54 one, not the later death squad stuff—and by the time we admit the Contras—your kids’ll be dead, or at least disinterested.
Suppose the U.S. was occupied by a military power that forced up military expenditures while letting the country’s public sector die. Of course, it is. But not so’s you’d notice.
Some have suggested we move to try the supporters of Saddam for war crimes. You can’t expect us to do that. Not while they’re still working in the White House.
In Defense of Policy
The Defense Policy Board, an appointed body with secret meetings, no information available to the public, has appropriated $100 billion for Defense. Yes, it meets in secret, but when they awarded the contracts, they went not to Halliburton and Bechtel alone but to nine different companies. Because there are nine companies represented on the board. Democracy! Some say the Carlyle Group, Harkin, Halliburton, Chevron and BP Amoco run the government, just because Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, and Gale Norton work for them. But it’s nothing personal. As a result of the economic structures in the world, sometimes it just happens that every day people are casualized, collaterally, through poverty and such.
Pakistan
Bush said Musharraf believes in democracy. He certainly believes it exists, and is trying to do something about it. True, Musharraf got in by a coup, and that’s wrong. The one we did in ’58 should’ve been enough. We had the same problem in Indonesia, where they had the biggest Communist party not in power in the world, and that’s ok, but they were in danger of getting into power, so we had to save them from that. So a coup happened there as well, or even better. Suharto was forced to casualize half a million people. We made a list of those who were killed. Granted, we made the list before they were killed. That’s American know-how.
The Anti-imperialist League
This gang was created in Chicago in 1899 by the Communists. Well, it wasn’t exactly the Communists. It was Mark Twain. I find it very strange that a man who wrote of the common people’s culture tried to kill our effort to go out and provide that culture to other people.
Old Joe Camel
We have a war on drugs and terrorism and terrorists who sell drugs (except in Afghanistan where we got rid of that, for a week). Drug dealers are a terrible role model for the kids, trying to supplant traditional figures like Old Joe Camel.
You could argue that drugs are terrorism. I personally terrorize the American people with both drugs and anti-drugs. As well as anti-terrorism.
The President said it would be an endless war. That’s because somehow, every time we do anything against terrorists, more of them pop up. We could be doing something wrong, but the American people don’t believe that. They better not.
I’ll hear no more about this.
More will be said, but I will not hear it.
GODS
Some people say we’ve extended foot fetishes to shoe fetishes. That’s demeaning. Our fetishes are significant. They’re like gods. Like Nike. Like Pepsi, the god of not Coke. Pepsi’s also the god of Tacos. No, that’s DysPepsi.
We’ve made a lot of progress in religion. We have competing gods, as befits a free market. The god of speed, Starbuck. The god of labor exploitation, Gap. The god of marketing, god of walls, the great god Mart. And the god of slightly better stuff, Tarjé. And over them all rule Chevron, Standard and Exxon-Mobil, the quadumvirate.
I’ll hear no more about this. More will be said, but I will not hear it.
A Rumor
I know that Lippman and I are often confused—well, he’s confused—but yeah, with each other. To be honest, just this once, we do kind of look alike, but the difference is obvious: he’s Jewish, and I’m not, see?
We get accused of governing by fear. Well, people should stick to what they’re good at. So, you know, the red states fear the blue states, the Midwest fears the Mideast, etc.
Dubya Dynasty?
It’s not some kind of hereditary dynasty. W wasn’t appointed by his dad. He was appointed by the Supreme Court, which was appointed by his dad.
As Prez Dub explained in his state of the union speech, throughout the 20th century, small groups of men seized control of great nations, built armies and arsenals, and set out to dominate the weak and intimidate the world. He says 20th century—I would include the 21st, because I think that November 2000 was in the 21st. He doesn’t, but anyway, he’s talking mainly not about himself but about Saddam. Who of course was exactly like Hitler and Stalin except for the part about having an army.
Gay Syndicates
Senator Rick Santorum has made it clear that homosexuality is kin to incest. Also bigamy and polygamy. No one knows the number of gays who have affairs with their dogs while married to more than one of their siblings. He will introduce a bill to rename the species Heterosapiens.
I’m against all unions, of course, but especially gay ones. I know you’re all excited because sodomy is legal in Texas now. But don’t forget: You’re either with us or you’re with the Sodomists.
They were practicing democracy, and they got it wrong,
so we had to help out.
Haiti
On the one hand, they kicked out the French, so two points. But they were practicing democracy, and they got it wrong, so we had to help out.
Our government stenographers—sorry, the free press—dutifully reported on p. 89 that Undersecretary of State Roger Noriega is a former Jesse Helms aide and backer of Duvalier, therefore of Guy Pierre, the brilliant organizer of the non-coup.
How can we tell they’re freedom fighters? Because Guy Phillippe’s heroes are Pinochet and Reagan? Well, partly. But it’s not true that he’s a Ton Ton Macoute. Not anymore. Louis Chamblain, #2 in the Fraph, came with ATV’s he had to work hard all his life for. Emmanuel Constant, he was just trying to set up a group to provide some balance for Aristide. Well, it wasn’t his idea, it was mine; I don’t like to boast, so you didn’t hear it here. Anyway back to Philippe: he was putting together some balance in 2000, you know, a democratic coup, with some other freedom fighters trained not at SOA—I know you think that. No, trained in Ecuador. By a completely different group of army personnel.
Bush explained: it’s a break with the past. He knows that the U.S. broke the past and will broker the future.
Was it a coup? We funded and armed the opposition, helped Aristide out of his office, we provided a pen to sign the paper we provided. Gave him a free ride. You don’t like it when I overthrow dictators, you don’t like it when I overthrow democracies—what do you want?
The people there were fed up with poverty, and we helped out, did what we could, you know, cut off aid. That sort of thing.