When I hear the word culture, I pull out my cluster bombs.
I am widely known as the world’s only singing CIA agent; however, many things that are widely known are not precisely, shall we say, true, as many people unfortunately are aware, and isn’t it unfortunate when people are aware? I am in fact .merely the world’s only known singing CIA agent. There are many others about whom you might have doubts. For example, probably one of the favorite singers of weekend America listeners, I’m guessing Britney here—you don’t know who she really works for, do you? And then Janet—of course attempts have been made to blow her cover, but you don’t really know, do you?
One thing many Americans do know all too well is that the CIA is not supposed to assassinate people or even their characters here in the United States. That activity is reserved to other agencies, while we at the Company carry on abroad. That’s why in the matter of American culture it’s been necessary to delegate. So for example you have the problem of the culture of unions, the culture of working together against imagined enemies such as employers and other benefactors of labor. So when it was necessary to educate the American people about the perfection of the free enterprise system, we left that to the National Association of Manufacturers, who subcontracted it out to Hill and Knowlton and some of the other agencies which had an advantage over us in the 1920s and ‘40s in that they, well, existed.
Culture is very much like agriculture,
in that it’s more efficient if a few people own it.
More recently we have been working to clear it-cut the fabled airwaves of grain. Culture, you see, is very much like agriculture, in that it’s more efficient if a few people own it. So just like with terminator seeds, which expire and cannot be hoarded by peasant seed pirates but must be re-purchased each year, we are switching folks over to terminator songs, which you have to pay for again if you want to hum them next yer. And we’re working very closely with Clear Channel to ensure that the same songs are played all over America at the same time, so that no one gets confused or has to make too many choices. So that will be a great relief for folks.
I do have a domestic assignment that I can talk about. I was recently appointed the Cultural Director of the Department of Homeland Security. I achieved this position by writing the winning entry in the departmental theme song contest. There were of course many other entrants, but they disappeared, didn’t they? I know there have been critiques, but hey listen, my music is better than it sounds.