2001
The Squeaker
You know it wasn’t easy stopping that bloody recount. The right to have your vote counted, no matter how mysteriously hanging or dimpled it is, isn’t something you can take away as easily as a common 401K.
And because W won by such a, well, small loss, we needed to unite the country, one United State. Say, Texas. EG, Make the appeals court look like that of Texas. People will tell you that he’s packing the courts with right-wing ideologues. That’s not true. That’s Rove’s job.
We will not enforce the same bureaucratic labor standards put forth by Very Big Labor when we devolve federalized programs back to the people—who we trust. No, we will not force a Hare Krishna soup kitchen to hire Jews. But they must not talk about planning their parenthood at soup kitchens. We know the Chinese are big on planning parenthood. They put abortion advice in fortune cookies. But we will not abort relations with China. No. We will abort abortionists and community centers that belong to international organizations that know the names of committees that can locate abortionists.
If through our moral action women lose access to contraception or family planning advice, they should have been Americans. With money. Then they could have gotten, well, a tax cut. But believe me, we understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. And we don’t want bureaucracy to come between that bondage. That would be kinky. The American family is important, even out there in non-America. Families is where wings take dream.
But we are going to give services back to the communities, to their churches, where you get two for one: Bible study free with every fill-up. And that is efficient, and bureaucracy can never be that efficient. And anyway, God created governments to create problems, not to solve them. That’s asking too much. And violating God’s will. And mine.
The TIA
The Total Information Awareness program, is being threatened with cancellation it if it doesn’t conform to the extreme demands of the, well, the constitution. You know how TIA works? No. There you see? It works. Actually, it’s just TIVO in reverse. Instead of you telling us what to watch, we tell you to watch it. We shouldn’t have said “watch what you say”—We’re going to watch what you say.
It’s headed up by John Poindexter, who knows from experience that the only way to find terrorists is to go right out there and fund them. The purpose of the program is to gather all the information in one place. You see, a little knowledge is a gangrenous thing, and I’m trying to protect you. And me. From you.
But we now have the knowledge of who brought the twin towers down. International affairs scholar Jerry Fallwell has concluded that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians made September 11 possible. Of course, science is just a theory.
What about turning social services over to non-faith based groups? O ye of little faith, you better look to some higher power, and there is a higher power, and it is not the federal government. Not even the state of Texas. No, it’s John Ashcroft. John hates intolerance. But he tolerates Unitarians, even those who intolerate him, and he will be fair to gay Unitarian Jews.
And we’re going to do education. That is my first priority, right after faith-based tax cuts and the war on Chad. Colombia. For Colombia. For drugs, for a drug-free Colombia. Is our children learning this? They will be. We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world. And they’re going to grow up and have basic American rights, like the right to invest their Social Security. Some people want the federal government controlling it like it’s some kind of federal program, some federal cufflink. Seniors not only don’t want to get into the market and gamble with their own little futures, they don’t want to take the chance to win big for their grandchildren. What’s more girlie senior than failure to gamble on your grandchildren’s future?