I want to thank you for accepting my invitation to have me speak here. It’s truly great to be here, and of course, everywhere.
You like my tie? It’s a Kathie Lee. Only cost 59 cents—to make. Well, as Marge Simpson says, who can afford to shop at a store that has a philosophy? I can.
And I want to welcome you to the topsy-turvy, fun-filled, greenbacked world of electoral politics. Your frustration with the two-party system is understandable, given your lack of understanding. People have been getting more educated about this system, which has naturally prompted us to introduce further cuts in the education budget. But the main thing that you need to grasp is that each of the two parties holds both views on the issues, so you really can’t lose. Can’t win either, of course, but that’s not the point, is it—I mean, for you?
If there are 500 companies in the Fortune 500, and 535 representatives in the US Congress,
who do the extra 35 people represent?
I suppose you’re all big “Justice for Janitors” fans here. Well, I’m sympathetic, what with the immigrants taking their jobs from them. I mean, I wanted that job too, you know. Seven dollars an hour, that’s way above McDonalds, which is a foreign name, by the way. The Scots. They send their surplus kilt-wearing bagpipe-screeching tired and poor over here—they don’t even speak English, really.
We have here a very complex economic trade issue, and as you can see, the most equitable and logical solution to this is a wall.
About this time you’re probably wondering, how does he know…so much? Well, I know a great many things. Some of them are true, and it’s such a pleasure to be sharing some of the others with you as we go along. But there are things I still don’t know: How did OUR oil get under Kuwait? How did our great Southwest get under Mexico’s great northeast? If there are 500 companies in the Fortune 500, and 535 representatives in the US Congress, who do the extra 35 people represent?
But we do have a pluralistic system here, in this diverse nation. We have, for example, different genders. Different age groups; even, you might say, different, ah, income levels. And it’s very important that we protect our multicultural society from foreigners.
But it’s a great country and we have free speech. I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your death if you say it. And even though many of you suffer from an apathy deficiency and have been seen in public Not Shopping, you are certainly welcome in our political system. I mean, in what other country could a rock and roll noise band called Rage Against the Machine, led by a goddamn son of a….Mau Mau, I kid you not—appear on Saturday Night Live with guest host Steve Forbes? It’s true they were censored—for hanging the flag upside down, implying, I assumed, that SNL is in distress! But no, it turns out actually they were saying that they inverted the flag, and I quote, because “American democracy is inverted when what passes for democracy is an electoral choice between two representatives of the privileged class.” And in this great country they were free to say that! Off air, of course.
But let’s get back to the viable part of the spectrum and talk a bit about the mainstream candidates. Bob Dole has been doing a good job of explaining that crime is caused by welfare—though he was contradicted in public by a family violence center worker, at a forum at a west side Chicago school named after Antonin Dvorak—a foreigner! Can you imagine the ribbing those kids take: “What school do you go to?” Dvorak. They couldn’t call it something American, like Beethoven, no!
Under Clinton, there’ll be no praying in the schools except by the lesbian priests.
Clinton has come out with a bold new plan to solve crime in the streets by requiring all teenagers to be at home by 8pm. He was going to propose lights out, IN BED by 8, but he was blocked by some of the Leftistovers he keeps around, those Eleanor Roosevelt types, the PC squad, the feminazis—and let me tell you, that’s not the kind of nazis we want running things in Washington! Anyway, this curfew may seem extreme, but sometimes you have to martial the law. I mean, I’m all for the bill of rights, but I’m not a bigot about it.
So the Ultra-Left is in power now. Condoms advertised on TV, affairs with adopted daughters. And from now on, when we adopt, we’ll have to give equal opportunity to gay babies. And then have gay affairs with them. Coddling Haitians, forced abortions. No praying in the schools except by the lesbian priests.
Now, there are those who will say that curfews are an intrusion by Big Government. I don’t buy it. It’s not a social service, after all. And it won’t require new taxes. I’ll tell you what big government is: Roosevelt. Government always gets big at the expense of the people. And not just any people, but people who try to do things without being regulated to death. Enterprising people. People freely enterprising. Business people. People who invest their money, and yours, to build a future free from big government’s intrusions on their freedom from over-regulation.
Government should get out of the way and let the markup of the magicplace do its work. If you’re worried about jobs, let the market create full employment: A hamburger flipper in every hand, with extra fries for the liberal arts graduates. Worried about the environment? Let the market do its job, and there’ll be nothing to worry about.
Also, the GOP is right that Clinton’s not right but just appearing to be moving to the right. He doesn’t have the right stuff. This curfew is actually a moderate liberal proposal. After all, adults aren’t included. And you know, it’s not like he’s proposing to put all these kids in jail for the night. They just can’t have any fun, that’s all. Jail comes later, for most kids. That is, if the children’s march doesn’t guilt trip Congress into diverting prison funding to those welfare queens driving their Cadillac to pick up their two heart transplants (one of which was yours, by the way). And this AFDC, the Aid to Feminists with Delinquent Children—this so-called children’s march is a thinly veiled attack on Republicans: they are accusing Republicans of being a thinly-veiled attack on children.
It’s true that cuts in Head Start and welfare will hurt children. But, as the Republicans have pointed out, it’s better to hurt now than have to pay later for the overspending of their parents. Imagine the guilt at being overspent for, coupled with the anger at having to pay for it. Welfare reform has worked very well, I think. We’ve redirected people off welfare and over to the Food Pantry.
In conclusion, business and religion have a lot in common, as explained in two new books on Jesus and Business: “The Management Methods of Jesus” and “Jesus: CEO”. Now on the one hand, in the past year the poor got poorer and the CEOs’ income went up 23%. On the other hand, Jesus was here to accomplish a task. And I think the religious are always right, except when they’re left. You know why Jesus kicked the money changers out of the temple? To provide better job security by cutting the fat. I should know: I moonlight as a CPA, on staff at the Committee to Profit Anywhere.
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From 1996-2001 Shrub was on assignment in None-a-yo-Bizness-Stan. Meanwhile, his non-evil non-twin Dave Lippman was in grad school and then having his one year of having a job. Then Dubya was selected and Shrub swang back into the public view. So briefed, now on to your next assignment, should you choose to subject yourself. As one of his subjects.