This is what Plutocracy looks like.

I’m Wild Bill Bailout, the Bard of the Bankers, here to disabuse you of certain notions. Since I’m the one who abused you in the first place.

OK, about these “social movements”:

First off, to answer your question; Whose streets? Mine.

I just want to clear up a few misconceptions on the part of the occupants of, well, my streets. You know who you are, “99%.” Continue reading “This is what Plutocracy looks like.” »

Mideast takes over the Midwest

Well I hope you’re happy. Foreign influences are unresting Middle America. The Union Thugs in Madison, directed by a far-off potentate born in the Hawaiian section of Kenya, or vice versa, are implementing their bi-sexual sleep-in strategy to destroy family values. Families, after all, are not based on collective bargaining.

And what’s the big whup? The GOP only wants to rescue the economy by abolishing college, women, the environment, public television, workers, and eating. This is not an attack on poor people – it will make lots more of them. To be fair, the Democrat Party has responded forcefully, saying “um, well…”

Neato Veto

About that US veto at the UN, overturning the decision of the rest of the Security Council to condemn the “illegal” “settlements” Israel has been building to spruce up the West Bank Desert: passing that resolution risked encouraging people to come to the UN for solutions instead of working things out as equals, colonizer and colonized, together in earnest if non-existent peace talks. But more important is the moral issue: the resolution risked pissing off Israel.

The Middle East is Revolting

Lots of change in the Middle of the East. Well, Libya and Morocco are as far west as western Europe, but when you’re in the global South, you’re really East, you know? Which is convenient, since we can treat you like we did Vietnam, eh? OK, that’s settled.

Things are tense in Libya, but Mr. Gaddafi has really gotten out in front of things, offering to change the national anthem. Which is pretty generous of him, considering that, as his son explained, the protesters are all on drugs and trying to break the country apart, presumably into its two components, Libya and Gaddafi.

The rulers are not so forthcoming in Bahrain, nor in Iran. We call on the Iranian government to stop the use of violence, and we call on the Bahrainian government to continue to be our military base. Since Iran hasn’t been, lately.

We also congratulate the Orderly Military of Egypt for their Orderly Transition to a new Post-Mubarak Order, and hope the rabble will understand that it takes generations to change a pre-democratic culture like theirs, which we supported for them at no extra charge. We had to, because we needed all the democracy for ourselves. Not that we’re using it. We’re saving it, in case we need it later. Like, when our rabble revolts. Then we can offer generous concessions, like changing the national anthem. We can take God out of it. Or move Him from the fourth to the third verse. That’s fucking huge. What more could those Wisconsiners want?!

No Facebook? I’ve been E-Gypt!

Everybody loves a party. So I say, let the alleged millions who are partying in Cairo like it’s 1999 – that is, without twitter – go on and enjoy their Sputnik moment. Then when they simmer down, they can get back to business as usual: starving.

As the facebook-induced chaos continues, it becomes clear that what makes it chaotic is that it appears to have no leaders. Appearances can be deceiving: it’s clear to me that it is directed by a joint directorate of Chavez and Kim Il Jong.

The world is rarely fair, but this is a particularly unfair fight. Millions of mobsters are picking on the paltry police. Pick on someone your own size, I say. And stop climbing on tanks to pray. Tanks should prey on the people, not the other way around.

A particularly sinister indicator is the drowning out of “God is Great” chants by those of “Muslim, Christian, we are all Egyptian.” Not only does this formulation discriminate against the complex-chant-impaired, it clearly targets Jews, who, as we all know, wish to be Egyptians too. Everyone wants to walk like that now. We are all Egyptians today, except for Tunisians. And Jews. I expect the Jews and Tunisians to sue, if not invade.

Prime Minister of the Country That Matters Netanyahu has made it clear that not only is Israel the only democracy in the Middle East, but it must stay that way. It’s fine to say 83 million Egyptians deserve democracy, but that will end democracy for the Jewish four-fifths of Israel, the only Four-Fifths Democracy in the Middle East.

Al Jazeera is having its anti-Sputnik moment, having been banned by the non-dictatorship in Egypt, the quasi-authoritarian free market nation of China, and the full democracy of the United States of Comcast.

A final dark portent: fifteen year-olds directing traffic, and better at it than the official traffic cops. Child labor is the first step on the way to sweatshops. So hey, there’s a silver lining here! Sweatshops after all are the most efficient form of production, as long as I own them.

This is Wild Bill saying it’s getting too wild out there, calm down, I’ll do the wilding for you. Go home. I’ll talk to Hosni. He’ll leave in September; I just can’t say which one.

Bradley Manning Mans Around

This fellow was disclosing military secrets that we all knew any way, that reveal that war is hell and governments lie – that is so gay. This pfc was Manning around with men. I mean these are men servicing servicemen. You didn’t ask, but I told.

This guy had a promising career and he blew it by revealing piddly secrets about war like how we murder people and call it glory. Big news. This guy worked in intel? This is old stuff. Why did he do it? It’s all because he didn’t fit in. Okies made fun of him for being a geek. He went to Wales, they made fun of him for being gay. OK, true, there’s no Okie geeks, but there are plenty of gay wales.

The lesson? Mamas, don’t let your babies make fun of geeks and gays or we may find out the truth about why they’re gonna die in far off Twenty-years-from-now-i-stan. It’s clear now that he did it all for attention, like Ellsberg, like MLK – desperate men. And that Christ guy – boy did he need attention. And so gay.